Investment Policy

Enter Mikkybull, crypto’s latest prophet of profit, who’s pointing at a chart that looks suspiciously like a wonky staircase. Three trendlines-lower, middle, upper-arranged in a way that makes you wonder if someone just drew over a graph while sleep-deprived. XRP has now hit the lower trendline for only the third time in its history. Twice before, this “critical level” sent it into a moonshot. Let’s just say the odds are better than your chances of winning the lottery… if the lottery was run by a caffeinated hedge fund manager with a penchant for chaos.

Unrealized losses on digital assets and equity securities reached $368.7 million, almost the entire shortfall. Stock-based compensation added $11.8 million, alongside $11.5 million of accreted interest. Nothing like rewarding employees with shares that are now worthless, but hey, at least it’s tax-deductible!

CZ, ever the surprise, admitted that crypto’s evolution has diverged from his blueprints. Payments, he lamented, remain as thrilling as a Sunday crossword puzzle, despite the glories of crypto cards. Meanwhile, the U.S. institutions have charged ahead like thoroughbreds out of the gates, spurred by a regulatory pivot so dramatic it would make a Broadway producer weep. “The U.S. did a 180,” CZ mused, “a testament to the Constitution’s flair for dramatic irony. One president, a repressive regime, and then… well, democracy, my dear.”

More than forty cryptocurrency protocols have failed, resulting in over $770 million lost to hacking. April 2026 now holds the record for the most hacking incidents in crypto history. Unlike past collapses like Celsius, FTX, and Terra, which were largely due to fraud, these failures stem from issues like unsustainable business models, security breaches, and companies being unable to stay afloat financially. These were real businesses with users, funding, and products that simply ran out of money.

Key Takeaways (for those who prefer their wisdom in bite-sized morsels):