Investment Policy

Staggering forth in glorious excess, Virtuals Protocol (VIRTUAL) ascended 53.32% as if performed by some enchanted stovepipe hat. Now serenading the blockchain at $2.06, its market capitalization is a splendid $822 million, or, as one demon accountant said, “enough for a Muscovite ball.” Trading volume? $1.34 billion. No, this is not a fever dream fueled by suspicious mushrooms; decentralization simply caught a gust of warm wind and decided to fly.

On the 7th of May (a Thursday, which we all know is the official day for interpretive letters), the OCC declared: “Yes, dear bankers, you may play with crypto—just mind the china and don’t break anything expensive.”

Fartcoin’s 18% lurch wasn’t just a number; it was a clarion call for every trader desperately hoping for their “funny coin” portfolio to finally impress their in-laws at Thanksgiving. Thursday’s performance outshone even the most optimistic daydreams of memecoin enthusiasts, as Bitcoin’s sprint to $100,000 temporarily convinced otherwise sensible people that the moon was now in range.

Our beloved indicators can barely agree on the weather, much less the market: BBTrend sulks in its bearish armchair, but RSI and EMA lines have started a little foxtrot. Rumor has it a “golden cross” may soon materialize—a bit like a rare bird sighting, only less useful at a dinner party. HBAR is now tickling some stubborn resistance, and before you can say ‘volatility’, we’ll discover whether we’re in for fireworks or just the sound of an expensive tire deflating.

Earlier this week, Bitcoin tripped and skinned its knee under $94,000—“Ouch!”—but in true superhero fashion, it’s dusted itself off and is now prancing about above $99,000. You could almost hear the party poppers in the blockchain, if such things existed.

The auspicious Dow, feeling especially boisterous, leapt up 254 points—outpacing the competition as if Monsieur Dow himself had discovered a secret recipe for happiness. The S&P 500 followed, a smidge less spirited but not wanting to be upstaged, while the Nasdaq pirouetted upward with a flourish worthy of Versailles. Even Alphabet’s shares danced a little jig after putting rumors of search ennui to rest—clearly, Apple’s complaints about fading Safari searches proved to be as momentous as a powdered wig during a hurricane of innovation.

The platform reports that these whales and sharks—those holding anywhere from 10 to 10,000 BTC—have added a combined 81,338 more BTC to their underwater treasure chests. That’s not just a few spare coins lying around; that’s a real snack. 🍔