You Won’t Believe How MicroStrategy Became Crypto’s Overachieving Teacher’s Pet

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If you ever wanted to rub your parents’ nose in your life choices, look no further than MicroStrategy. Its “bitcoin first, sleep never” business plan sent the stock up 3,142%, leaving stodgy old tech companies looking like kids who forgot their science projects at home. Sound money assets, meet your new daddy.

MSTR Wipes the Floor With Legacy Finance Like a Clean Freak on Amphetamines

MicroStrategy—now swinging the faux-modern moniker, “Strategy” (I assume because “Micro” sounds too much like a microbrewery run by the guy you never call back)—has pulled off a 3,142% rampage since it sold its soul to Bitcoin in August 2020. You know you’re onto something when your retirement fund looks less like a tortoise and more like a cheetah that’s just spotted a gazelle made out of NFTs.

Michael Saylor, the company’s executive chairman, Bitcoin evangelist, and the only man whose tweets might actually move tectonic plates, celebrated the win on X (which normal people still call Twitter):

MSTR is now up more than 3000% since adopting the Bitcoin Standard.

Let’s translate: Saylor posted a chart with all the subtlety of a kid waving his straight-A report card under his brother’s nose. MSTR beat the pants off Nvidia (a pitiful 916%), and even outran Bitcoin itself (715%). Behind them, Tesla and Meta, still puffing and wheezing, plus Alphabet, Microsoft, and Apple—each with numbers that scream “I peaked in high school.” QQQ and SPY tried to join the race but tripped over their own laces somewhere near the back, while gold, Amazon, and real estate lagged like crumbling relics from a world before avocado toast. Bonds, of course, were actually negative—a deeply poetic nod to anyone who believes in “safe investments.”

Strategy’s Bitcoin Strategy Era (BSE) return. Source: Michael Saylor

This orgy of crypto gains didn’t just goose the stock price. Strategy’s treasury has been gorging itself, now burping up a reported $5.1 billion in bitcoin gains this year—enough to order avocado toast for the entire state of Wyoming. Their bitcoin stash, currently at a modest 538,200 BTC, keeps growing like that mold in your college fridge you “meant to clean.” Year-to-date, the yield is a smug 12.1%, but 2024’s numbers are the sort of thing that make statisticians inhale sharply: 74.3% yield, 140,538 BTC gained, roughly $13.1 billion. (If you missed out on their April 21st 6,556 BTC shopping spree, rest easy: you’re not their target market—they like their assets rare and their decimal places long.)

As of Q1 2025, over 13,000 institutions, 814,000 retail investors, and roughly 55 million folks exposed via ETFs and mystery meat financial products can all claim bragging rights at Thanksgiving. Saylor, never one to understate things, proclaims: “Bitcoin has no counterparty risk. No company. No country. No creditor. No currency. No competitor. No culture. Not even chaos.”

The only thing missing from his statement is: “No humility.” 🏆🚀

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2025-05-02 03:58