In the grand opera of fiscal folly, the American Federation of Teachers (AFT) has taken to the stage, waving a crimson flag of alarm at the Senate’s crypto market structure bill. “Behold!” they cried, “This alchemy of digital tokens threatens the sacred temple of our golden retirements!” As if the universe itself hadn’t already conspired to make pensions as stable as a drunken trapeze artist.
In a letter penned with the urgency of a drowning man clutching a ledger, the AFT decried the Responsible Financial Innovation Act-a name so oxymoronic it could only be the work of a satirist. “The bill,” they declared, “fails to regulate crypto assets with the rigor of a medieval alchemist trying to turn lead into gold. Most pensions avoid crypto because it’s riskier than a tiger wearing roller skates. This legislation pretends crypto is stable? Absurd!”
The CLARITY Act, that July draft of fiscal clarity (if you squint), and its November sibling from the Agriculture Committee, remain frustratingly vague on whether pensions should now invest in Bitcoin. The AFT, ever the Cassandra, warned: “If passed, 401(k)s will end up holding ‘unsafe assets’ even if they’re invested in traditional securities. It’s like telling a baker to use dynamite instead of flour-chaos with a smiley face!”
The AFL-CIO, another union chorus, had previously harmonized their fears: “This bill risks retirement funds and financial stability!” they wailed. “It’s as if someone said, ‘Let’s throw dice into the stock market and call it strategy!’”
With 1.8 million members in education, healthcare, and public services, the AFT wields the weight of $6.5 trillion in public pensions. Meanwhile, total US retirement assets hover around $45.8 trillion-a sum so vast it could buy a small asteroid and call it a day.
Meanwhile, in a twist worthy of a picaresque novel, Donald Trump, that self-proclaimed “crypto enthusiast,” signed an executive order in August urging the Labor Department to let 401(k)s dabble in digital assets. “Like giving a toddler a flamethrower and calling it a ‘tool for creativity,’” one might quip.
Asset managers, ever the trend-followers, have begun touting crypto in IRAs and 401(k)s. Morgan Stanley, that paragon of prudence, now lets advisors suggest crypto funds-because nothing says “retirement security” like betting on a technology that crashes more than a house of cards in a hurricane.
As for the Senate? Expect a finale as delayed as a Russian bureaucracy. Wyoming’s Cynthia Lummis, the bill’s most ardent bard, hinted at a draft update “this week”-a promise as reliable as a weather vane in a sandstorm.
Read More
- All Exploration Challenges & Rewards in Battlefield 6 Redsec
- Byler Confirmed? Mike and Will’s Relationship in Stranger Things Season 5
- Upload Labs: Beginner Tips & Tricks
- Best Job for Main Character in Octopath Traveler 0
- Top 8 UFC 5 Perks Every Fighter Should Use
- Grounded 2 Gets New Update for December 2025
- Battlefield 6: All Unit Challenges Guide (100% Complete Guide)
- Where to Find Prescription in Where Winds Meet (Raw Leaf Porridge Quest)
- Entangling Bosonic Qubits: A Step Towards Fault-Tolerant Quantum Computation
- J Kozma Ventures Container In ARC Raiders (Cold Storage Quest)
2025-12-10 20:08