Ah, behold the grand spectacle of the US economy, a farce so finely crafted it would make even the most seasoned tragedian weep with laughter! 🌪️ A Goldman Sachs sage, with a furrowed brow and a voice heavy with portent, declares the economy is “losing momentum,” as if it were a carriage stuck in the mud of mediocrity. 🚫💨
On a fateful Friday, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), with a flourish of quill and ink, revised June’s job growth from a modest 147,000 to a paltry 14,000—a 90% plunge! 🪂 May’s figures, too, were slashed from 144,000 to 19,000, leaving us with a two-month deficit of 258,000 jobs. Oh, the humanity! 😭
In a CNBC soliloquy, Goldman’s chief economist, Jan Hatzius, proclaims, “Weeks ago, we penned a tome titled ‘Stall Speed.’ With GDP crawling at 1% and these job numbers, ’tis clear—we are mired in economic quicksand!” 🏎️💥
“The economy grows, but like a snail in a race against time. Unemployment creeps upward, and the labor market teeters on the brink of calamity. Alas, the risks are as plain as the nose on my face!” 🦜
Fear not, dear reader, for Hatzius assures us the Fed shall ride to the rescue, slashing rates with the fervor of a barber on a busy morning. 🏦✂️ “September shall see the first cut, followed by October and December. And who knows? Perhaps more!”
“We are in restrictive territory, but this data suggests we must retreat to neutral posthaste. Though the process is slow, one could hasten it with a wave of the monetary wand.” 🧙♂️✨
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2025-08-03 17:42