🤑 JPMorgan’s Epic Fall: Epstein, Bitcoin, and the Great Boycott Saga 🤑

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In the grand theater of human folly, a new act unfolds: the masses, once docile sheep in the pasture of JPMorgan’s dominion, now rise with pitchforks and tweets, declaring a boycott of the financial behemoth. 🌾🔥

The people, ever vigilant in their quest for justice, accuse the bank of orchestrating a “coordinated attack” on Bitcoin and Strategy (MSTR) shareholders. Ah, the irony! The very institution that once whispered sweet nothings of stability now stands accused of sowing chaos. 🦹‍♂️💸

What Provoked the Wrath of the Masses?

The tempest began when MSCI, in its infinite wisdom, decreed that crypto treasury firms, including Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy), shall be cast out of its indexes by January 2026. JPMorgan, ever the harbinger of doom, flagged this exclusion in a research note, as if the world needed another reminder of its prophetic gloom. 📉✨

Should this come to pass, firms like Strategy would be relegated to the status of investment funds, a fate most dire. JPMorgan predicts outflows of $2.8 billion, or perhaps even $8.8 billion if other providers join the exodus. Oh, the humanity! 😱💰

Max Keiser, that modern-day Cassandra, hints at whispers in the wind: JPMorgan, it seems, holds a short position in MSTR. Should MSTR’s price soar 50% above Friday’s close, the bank’s position would become as precarious as a tightrope walker in a storm. 🌪️🤡

“JP Morgan, in a stroke of genius, dumps 25% of their MSTR position just before MSCI’s decree. Nothing to see here, just another perfectly timed institutional trade. The game is rigged, but Bitcoin, ever the rebel, cares not for their indexes.” – A crypto watchdog, with a wink and a grin. 😏🎭

This spectacle has only deepened the crypto community’s distrust of JPMorgan. Bitcoin and Strategy loyalists now rally the troops, urging all to withdraw their funds from the bank. A modern-day exodus, if you will. 🏃‍♂️💨

“CRASH JP MORGAN, BUY MSTR (& BITCOIN),” Keiser proclaimed, his words echoing through the digital wilderness. 🗣️🚀

“I cancelled my JPM account and moved my entire fortune to Wells. Also, avoid Chase credit cards if you value your sanity. More to come.” – Grant Cardone (@GrantCardone), November 23, 2025. 🏦🔄

Epstein’s Shadow Looms Large

As if the boycott were not enough, the specter of Jeffrey Epstein has returned to haunt JPMorgan. Unsealed court documents reveal that the bank filed a suspicious activity report (SAR) in 2019, shortly after Epstein’s demise. The report detailed transactions totaling over $1 billion, connected to Epstein and his associates, including transfers to Russian banks. Ah, the tangled web we weave! 🕸️💼

“The SARs confirm what we’ve always suspected: JPMorgan filed reports about Epstein early on, and repeatedly between 2013 and 2019. Yet, no one in government or law enforcement lifted a finger for years.” – Patricia Wexler, JPMorgan’s spokesperson, with a shrug and a sigh. 🙄📜

Senator Ron Wyden, however, paints a different picture. His analysis claims JPMorgan protected Epstein, reporting only a paltry $4.3 million in suspicious transactions while he was alive. Only after his death did the bank submit reports covering $1.3 billion over a decade-a sum 300 times greater. The plot thickens! 🕵️‍♂️🔍

“JPMorgan Chase must face a criminal investigation for enabling Epstein’s heinous crimes. Bank executives ignored compliance officers, withheld evidence, and coached Epstein on hiding large cash withdrawals. This goes beyond incompetence; it reeks of complicity at the highest levels.” – Senator Wyden, with a steely gaze. 👮‍♂️⚖️

As the boycott swells and regulators circle like vultures, JPMorgan finds itself besieged on all fronts. The coming months, with MSCI’s reclassification and Senate investigations looming, will determine whether this backlash fades into obscurity or becomes a defining chapter in the bank’s storied history. 🌪️📉

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2025-11-24 09:27