🤯 Trump’s Crypto Shenanigans & Why Bitcoin Is Now Cooler Than Gold 🚀📉

Right. So. Massive week for crypto, largely thanks to a certain orange-hued overlord making decisions faster than my ex swiping right on Tinder. 🇺🇸 The U.S. decided stablecoins need rules (shocking), Ripple and the SEC are still bickering like siblings over the last Jaffa Cake, and Bitcoin somehow became more attractive than gold. As if.

Also—shocker—inflation is still a thing, people are moving illicit funds like it’s Monopoly money, and Wall Street banks are now desperate to get in on the crypto action. Typical Tuesday, really.

Anyway, I’ve done the hard work of actually reading all this drivel so you don’t have to. Let’s go.

#1 GENIUS Act (Because Everything Needs an Acronym Now) 🧠

Apparently, stablecoins need backing now? Who knew. Trump signed some bill that essentially says, “Yes, your funny internet dollars should probably be backed by real dollars.” Groundbreaking.

Trump, being his usual subtle self: “This is America winning. Bigly.” 🙄

Still, it’s progress. Sort of.

#2 Trump Wants Your 401(k) In BTC—Because That Won’t Go Wrong 🤑

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Trump’s about to let Americans gamble their retirement savings on crypto. Because nothing screams “financial stability” like betting your golden years on Dogecoin. 🐕

The official White House line? “Prosperity for everyday Americans.” The reality? Absolute chaos. Bring popcorn. 🍿

#3 Standard Chartered Joins the Party (Late, As Usual) 🏦

Breaking: old bank does something edgy! Standard Chartered is now offering Bitcoin and Ethereum trading—because nothing whispers “radical disruption” like a British bank getting involved. Their CEO mumbled something about “evolution of financial services,” but we all know it’s FOMO.

#4 Inflation Still Exists (Surprise!) 💸

June’s CPI: 2.7%. Core inflation: still hanging around like that one guest who won’t leave the party. Bitcoin dipped for like five minutes, then carried on like nothing happened. Priorities.

#5 WazirX Hack Drama & Suspiciously Timed XRP Movement 🕵️‍♂️

Someone moved ₹1,500 crore worth of XRP just before WazirX got hacked. Coincidence? Probably. Suspicious? Absolutely. CEO Nischal Shetty insists it was “routine,” which is what we all say when caught doing something dodgy.

#6 Grayscale Wants to IPO (Because Why Not?) 📈

They filed confidentially (oooh, mysterious) with the SEC. Translation: “We might go public, but also maybe not, depending on how excited people get.” Riveting.

#7 Crypto Market Cap Near $4T—Still Behind NVIDIA 😏

Friday was wild. Ethereum up, XRP up, Bitcoin casually flirting with $120K. Total market cap? Nearly $4 trillion. Still less than NVIDIA, though. AI wins, apparently. 🤖

#8 Ripple vs. SEC… Still Happening. Yawn. ⏳

Ripple paid $125M—in cash, sorry, XRP fans—but appeals are still pending. At this point, I’ve aged three years waiting for this lawsuit to end.

#9 Bitcoin > Gold (Because Of Course) 👑

BTC officially outperformed gold this year. Honestly? It was inevitable. Gold doesn’t have memes.

#10 Cybercrime Having a Field Day 🎭

Cross-chain crime tripled since 2023, because criminals love efficiency. North Korean hackers alone moved $2.5B. Productivity goals?

Quick 🔥 Spicy Takes

Citi wants a stablecoin—probably called Citicoin or something equally dull.
PUMP token raised $600M in 12 minutes, proving memecoins remain the internet’s most efficient grift.
Trump might fire Fed Chair Powell? Or not. Who knows.
El Salvador’s BTC stash now worth $760M—take that, IMF.
DOJ ended Polymarket probe—betting on politics is fine again. Until next week.

What’s Next? (Spoiler: More Chaos)

Stablecoins will become respectable (ugh), Trump will likely tweet something unhinged, inflation will linger just to annoy everyone, and crypto crime will evolve like a Pokémon. Stay tuned—same crypto-time, same crypto-channel. 🚀

2025-07-19 16:00