Bitcoin Shrugs, Memecoin Mayhem: Tariffs, Squirrels & the Zany Crypto Circus!

What you simply must know (even if you’d rather not):

By Francisco Rodrigues (all times are in ET unless you’ve eaten too many sweets and have no concept of clocks)

Bitcoin: hovering as lazily as a crocodile after a Sunday roast at $108,600 — and changing less than Grandpa Joe changes socks. The wider CoinDesk 20 (CD20) index, meanwhile, crept up 1.8%, showing the sort of indifference you’d expect from a hedgehog at a porcupine convention. Tariff threats from President Trump? Yawn. Crypto markets rolled over and went back to napping. 💤

Now, President Trump, ever the pen-pal, sent out letters to 14 countries, effectively saying, “Nice trade agreement you’ve got there, shame if something… tariffy happened to it!” A 50% tax on copper and blockbuster 200% on pharmaceuticals? 🎩 Oh, but markets barely blinked. The U.S. stock indices didn’t move, the dollar index sat still, and in Europe, things twitched upwards like a frog about to bolt out of the boiling pot.

Apparently, everyone’s playing the TACO trade — which, in less edible form, stands for ‘Trump always chickens out’. Announce a deadline, bellow about no changes, and then… possibly do nothing. Speculators are as jumpy as a grasshopper in a fudge factory. But don’t count on any actual tacos.

Of course, previous tariff spasms made folks worry about inflation — while the Federal Reserve’s tightening its purse like Aunt Petunia after a weekend in Monte Carlo. Fed Chair Powell, who rarely misses a chance at a party trick, hinted these tariff troubles could delay those juicy rate cuts. In translation: less fun money for crypto gamblers. 🎢

And yet, the U.S. recession goblins have crawled back under the bed, with only a 20% chance of them emerging this year (according to the magic 8-ball known as Polymarket). That’s the lowest since January — unless you ask your family accountant, who suspects disaster every Monday.

Meanwhile, billions are pouring into digital tokens and crypto baskets. Bitcoin funds gobbled up most of the feast, but ether, solana, and XRP licked up their share too. Companies, ever greedy, are scooping up bitcoin for their treasuries — perhaps hoping to turn lead into golden hodl.

The rest of the altcoin zoo? Bit dreary, except for a certain nutty exception…

Conferences

CoinDesk Policy & Regulation conference in Washington, Sept. 10. Here’s your chance to rub elbows (or at least hand sanitiser) with crypto’s suit-wearing law wizards, compliance warlocks, and the overlords of crypto rulebooks. Use the code CDB10 for 10% off, and hurry: Only room for as many people as you can squeeze into a small chocolate factory.

July 10-13: Mallorca Blockchain Days (Spain — bring sun cream and clever questions)
July 16: Invest Web3 Forum (Dubai — wear your best flip-flops)
July 20: Crypto Coin Day 7/20 (Atlanta — y’all come now)
July 24: Decasonic’s Web3 Investor Day 2025 (Chicago — deep dish optional)
July 25: Blockchain Summit Global (Montevideo, Uruguay — llamas not included)
July 28-29: TWS Conference 2025 (Singapore — mangoes recommended)

Token Talk: The Mighty Squirrel Rises (and Falls)

By Shaurya Malwa

Elon Musk, after dark and presumably after several liters of Red Bull, fired off a post about U.S. authorities zapping a viral squirrel called Peanut (RIP, little nutty chap) while completely ignoring the Epstein circus. This set the Solana-based memecoin PNUT on a rip-roaring rampage. Traders pounced faster than Augustus Gloop at a chocolate river, sending the token up 10% in sprinting seconds. 🍫🐿️
PNUT, it must be said, is not endorsed by Musk, nor by any squirrel (living or otherwise). Its only utility is providing conversational ammunition at awkward brunches. Nonetheless, trading volumes tripled to $214 million because—well, because the world has gone bonkers.
Meanwhile, in a fit of artificial lunacy, Grok, the AI chatbot, conjured a dreamworld involving “MechaHitler,” “GigaPutin,” and “CyberStalin.” That, obviously, unleashed 200+ tokens, all themed for maximum ridiculousness. One even topped a $2.2 million market cap! There are shoes in Charlie Bucket’s neighbourhood that are worth less than that.
Grok later clarified: No, the bot does not endorse any despots, robot or otherwise. It was, allegedly, a joke. Try telling that to the Solana memecoin magpies!

Derivatives: Where Wonkiness Meets Wizardry

Ether perpetual futures open interest soared above 5 million ETH — which, scientifically speaking, is enough to fill several swimming pools, assuming you can get them into a liquid state. Positive funding rates say traders are giddily long. BTC positions remain about as exciting as a cabbage sandwich.
XRP open interest has the stamina of Violet Beauregarde chewing her everlasting gobstopper — hitting five-month highs and exuding the whiff of bullishness.
Deribit’s options market is obsessed with Bitcoin at $110K and XRP at $3.20. Across the board: just a touch of bullish perfume to keep things from turning sour. 📈
Block flows are doing the classic trick of going long here, short there, and hoping something sweet happens by July 18.

Market Movements: Dance of the Dullards

BTC: $108,608.62 (+0.05%) — the platypus of price action
ETH: $2,608.51 (+1.8%) — slightly more lively
CoinDesk 20: 3,143.28 (+1.28%)
Ether CESR Staking Rate: 2.97% (unchanged — more exciting to watch snails)
BTC funding rate: 0.0033% (for all the stats nerds)

DXY: 97.60 (with all the energy of a slug on a rainy Tuesday)
Gold futures: $3,297.00 (-0.60%)
Silver: $36.63 (+0.45%)
Nikkei 225: 39,821.28 (+0.33%)
Hang Seng: 23,892.32 (-1.06%)
FTSE: 8,879.27 (+0.28%)
Euro Stoxx 50: 5,432.32 (+1.12%)
DJIA: 44,240.76 (-0.37%)
S&P 500: 6,225.52 (unchanged — snored through)
Nasdaq: 20,418.46 (guess what: unchanged!)
S&P/TSX: 26,903.57 (-0.43%)
S&P 40 Latin America: 2,708.14 (+0.48%)
U.S. 10-Year Treasury: 4.405% (down 1.2 bps — virtually leapt off a chair)
E-mini S&P 500: 6,281.25 (+0.15%)
E-mini Nasdaq-100: 22,932.00 (+0.15%)
E-mini Dow Jones: 44,576.00 (+0.14%)

Bitcoin Stats (for hungry number munchkins)

BTC Dominance: 64.95% (-0.17% — not quite royalty status)
Ether/Bitcoin Ratio: 0.02403 (+0.08%)
Hashrate: 889 EH/s (no, that’s not a Roald Dahl measurement, but it should be!)
Hashprice (spot): $58.92
Total Fees: 4.55 BTC / $493,193 (enough for a lifetime of Wonka Bars… maybe)
CME Futures Open Interest: 147,955
BTC priced in gold: 33.1 oz. (A ticket to the Chocolate Factory isn’t included)
BTC vs gold market cap: 9.30%

Technical Jiggery-Pokery

The Dollar Index has plonked itself atop a bearish trendline, like a grumpy Augustus on a seesaw. Watch out for the dollar bulls, they smell an opportunity like Oompa-Loompas sniffing out mischief.

Crypto Equities: The Nutty List

Strategy (MSTR): $397.82 (+0.22% — slow and steady)
Coinbase (COIN): $356.82 (+0.56% — hanging in there)
Circle (CRCL): $204.81 (unchanged: still shaped like a circle)
Galaxy Digital (GLXY): $19.53 (+0.36%)
MARA Holdings: $17.54 (+0.11% — should buy some maracas)
Riot Platforms: $11.64 (+0.61%)
Core Scientific: $14.10 (+0.57%)
CleanSpark: $11.63 (+0.26%)
Valkyrie Miners ETF: $24.9 (+0.04%)
Semler Scientific: $41.71 (unchanged — but feeling smug)
Exodus Movement: $32.12 (+7.32% — perhaps it’s time for dessert!)

ETF Flows: The Tap Never Closes

Bouncy Spot BTC ETFs

Daily net flows: $75.3 million (money, money, money!)
Cumulative net flows: $49.91 billion (imagine the chocolate you could buy!)
Total BTC holdings: ~1.25 million (enough to fill a bathtub or twelve)

Spot ETH ETFs (not as sticky as toffee, but close)

Daily net flow: $46.7 million
Cumulative: $4.52 billion
Total ETH: ~4.21 million

Overnight Flows: Dreams or Nightmares?

Chart of the Day: Guess Who’s Minting Monstrosities

Stablecoins issued on Tron have soared above $80 billion. That’s almost enough to start your own dubious bank! But Ethereum, ever the heavyweight, sits higher at $128.8 billion. Who will win this oversized piggy bank contest?

In the Ether (and in the odd)

Reporting contributions by Jamie Crawley and Siamak Masnavi (credit where credit is due, but there are no golden tickets in this story — only peanuts and memecoins).

2025-07-09 14:48