Millionaire, Bitcoin & Rikers: A Crypto Tale Wilder Than Your Aunt’s Facebook Theories 😳

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If there’s one thing 21st century crime has achieved, besides making half the world’s population terrified of clicking links, it’s the ability to fuse old-school thuggery with unapologetic digital swagger. Such is the case with our latest tale: a crypto caper with more drama than a soap opera set on Wall Street.

Pleading Not Guilty (And Who Among Us Hasn’t?)

Per Fox News—the trusted source of everything except, arguably, calm nerves—two men allegedly kidnapped an Italian millionaire, Michael Valentino Teofrasto Carturan, who seems to be saving up for a very exclusive pizza, given that his Bitcoin hoard reportedly topped $100 million. The accused: John Woeltz, 37, and his comrade-in-bad-decisions, William Duplessie, 33.

Woeltz, now free on a fall-off-your-chair $1 million bail, had recently enjoyed the hospitality of Rikers Island, an experience usually reserved for people who can’t spell “bail.” This generous sum was cobbled together with cash and property—thanks, Dad. He can now leave home only to visit his doctor, his lawyer, or presumably, if his house catches fire and even then, only with compelling justification. Meanwhile, Duplessie—a man whose hobbies do not seem to include leaving jail—remains in custody.

Their defense team swung for the legal fences, arguing that the “torture” was more like a “fraternity rite of passage.” Which, if true, raises severe questions about what frat parties are like these days (Do they still serve nachos?). As Woeltz’s lawyer put it:

“Mr. Carturan was there in the role of a pledge, he was essentially being hazed.”

No word on whether the victim got a T-shirt reading, “I Survived Crypto Rush Week.” As Woeltz exited the Manhattan Supreme Court (presumably walking deliberately past everyone with a not-so-cryptic ‘no comment’), he dodged questions about what it’s like to be simultaneously free, accused, and unable to go grocery shopping unsupervised.

Graphic Details, Not for the Faint of Heart (Or Stomach)

According to prosecutors—who have all the best stories except this one’s detail about a “manifesto” (because nothing spells “organized crime” like printing your criminal plans for posterity)—the suspects allegedly spent three weeks forcibly extracting both valuables and, one assumes, patience from Mr. Carturan. His phone and passport were confiscated, which for an Italian in New York probably sits just below “running out of espresso” on the list of nightmares.

“Informant further states that the defendant and unapprehended male demanded that Informant provide the defendant with Informant’s wallet password so that the defendant and unapprehended male could take Informant’s Bitcoin,” a criminal complaint states.

If you thought your online security questions were invasive, spare a thought for Mr. Carturan, who—after refusing to cough up his crypto password—was reportedly treated to a smorgasbord of violence that included physical beatings, electric shocks and, in a flourish of cinematic Bond-villain flair, being dangled over the edge of a staircase. Not exactly the Airbnb stay he probably booked.

The pièce de résistance: authorities claim threats were issued against Carturan’s family back in Italy, interlaced with humiliation so creative one can only imagine the brainstorming session (“Let’s see… gun, check. Electric shock, check. Wait! Let’s add urination and forced drugs. Maximum humiliation, gentlemen!” 😬).

Our digital desperados are due back in court October 15th. Place your bets (in cryptocurrency, obviously)—because when tech meets true crime, nobody wants to be left holding the bag, or the Bitcoin.

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2025-08-02 23:48