Crypto Carousel: Bitcoin’s Fumble, Coinbase’s Faint, and Hong Kong’s Stablecoin Idea | Weekly Recap

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Ah, the week that was—a delightful cocktail of market tantrums, government fiddling, and digital gold rushes. Who needs soap operas when you’ve got crypto? Buckle up, dear reader, for the latest escapades in this mad, digital world.

Bitcoin

  • Bitcoin, evidently having a bad hair day, took a step back thanks to macro fears, while Coinbase—ever the earnest performer—fluffed its Q2 earnings to the tune of disappointment. Meanwhile, institutional interest blossomed with Mill City’s audacious $450M SUI gamble. 💸
  • Hong Kong, not content with just being a bustling financial hub, launched its first stablecoin licensing regime—because why not add more bureaucracy? Meanwhile, Solana ETFs tiptoed toward U.S. approval, perhaps contemplating a slow dance. 💃
  • The U.K., in a rare bout of indecision, quietly flipped part of its crypto ETN ban—like a reluctant cat that’s finally decided to come inside after all.
  • Crypto aficionados, after listening to Atkins’s speech, are boldly predicting that crypto will become as common as tea within two years. Cheers to that, or whatever passes for modern optimism.

Coinbase’s Q2 Revenue: The Sweet and the Sour

  • Revenue slightly crept up 3.3% YoY to $1.5 billion, yet, alarmingly, it fell 26% from Q1—like a soufflé deflating unexpectedly. Retail trading, the promised bustling marketplace, was notably limp.
  • Stablecoin revenue, ever the overachiever, jumped 12% to $332 million. Subscriptions grew by 9%, but EPS—poor thing—missed estimates at a measly $0.12 against a lofty $1.19. Well, at least stablecoins are stable, right?

Mill City’s SUI & the Great Crypto Treasure Hunt

  • Mill City Ventures—fancy name, fancier ambitions—dropped a hefty $450M on 76.3 million SUI tokens, making it the first public company to wade into the Sui Foundation’s waters. It’s practically a treasure map to riches. 🏴‍☠️
  • Backed by hedge fund Karatage and the Sui Foundation, the firm now parades $277M worth of SUI, promising liquidity fairies for retail and institutions alike.

Hong Kong’s Stablecoin Saga

  • The region’s first stablecoin licensing law, effective August 1—because nothing says “trust” like gear-shifting regulation. Applications are open until September 30, so hurry, before they change their minds again.
  • The HKMA plans to issue only a handful of licenses at first, with heavy hitters like JD.com and Standard Chartered already knocking on the door, probably with caffeinated enthusiasm. ☕

UK’s Policy Flip-Flop

  • The FCA has, in a stunning turn, decided retail investors can now peek into crypto exchange-traded notes—starting October 8. But only on approved exchanges, because consistency is overrated.
  • This is a quiet revival of 2021’s crackdown, but with a twist: strict rules for firms to broadcast risks with all the subtlety of a marching band.

Crypto Industries Expanding Like Kudzu

  • Crypto Blockchain Industries and Ker Ventures are boldly exchanging €200 million worth of Bitcoin—the kind of deal that makes Wall Street look modest. They’re buying 2,000 BTC from Turkish exchange SAFEbit, perhaps to sprinkle some crypto fairy dust on Paris.
  • They might swap CBI shares for Bitcoin, with prices based on market tides—oceans of wealth, or so they hope.

SEC’s Love Letter to Crypto

  • On July 31, SEC Chair Paul Atkins delivered a speech—a 30-minute symphony of optimism—promising a friendlier regulatory landscape. Finally, the regulators are playing nice, or so it seems.
  • The crypto crowd declared it “the most bullish news for crypto in a decade,” which is probably the closest thing to a compliment they’ve received since 2017.

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2025-08-03 21:10