🚨 UBS Sounds Alarm: US Economy in Slump, Fed to the Rescue? 🚨

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Ah, the American economy, that once-buoyant vessel, now listing like a yacht in a squall, according to the sage soothsayers at UBS, Switzerland’s grandest temple of finance. 🏦✨

In a report that reads like a funeral oration for prosperity, UBS declares that real GDP is crawling along at a paltry 1.2% annualized rate in the first half of 2025-a pace so sluggish, one might mistake it for a tortoise on a Sunday stroll. 🐢

Last week’s employment report, a document as inspiring as a damp teabag, revealed a mere 73,000 jobs added in July. The Dow Jones, ever the optimist, had hoped for 100,000. Alas, hope is a cruel mistress. 📉

UBS, with a wink and a smirk, suggests that the labor force participation rate has been playing the role of a magician, cleverly concealing the economic slackening with a flourish of statistical sleight of hand. 🎩✨

“Despite Chair Powell’s pronouncements-delivered with all the gravitas of a man reading the weather forecast-the data tells a different tale. The labor market, it seems, is as slack as a hammock in August, and population growth is hardly the culprit.” 🌞

And let us not forget President Trump’s tariffs, those economic hand grenades, poised to lop off 0.1 to 0.2 percentage points from growth. One can almost hear the collective sigh of accountants nationwide. 💣

Fear not, for UBS predicts the Federal Reserve will ride to the rescue, slashing rates by 25 basis points in September, with up to 100 basis points by year’s end. A bold move, or merely rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic? Only time will tell. 🚢⚓

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2025-08-07 10:22