According to a missive, rather breathlessly circulated amongst its shareholders – those who haven’t yet liquidated their holdings, at least – DeFi Development Corp. has seen fit to acquire a further 4,500 SOL during the particularly vulgar month of August. One imagines champagne flowed.
Their CEO, a Mr. Joseph Onorati (the name sounds suspiciously Italian, don’t you think?), informed us that their SOL per Share – SPS, naturally – has reached a dizzying 0.0619. A rise of nearly 50% since the end of June, apparently. July, it seems, was a period of unrestrained and frankly rather alarming growth, with $165 million raised – after all the usual parasitic fees, of course – and a 34% hop in SPS. Progress, one supposes.
A Treasury Model Built for Staking (And Vanity?)
Like so many of these digital asset schemes – and let us not pretend anything else is on offer – DDC raises capital from accredited investors. Those terribly serious people who can afford to lose it. The model, as everyone now knows, was pioneered by the relentlessly enthusiastic Mr. Michael Saylor. However, Mr. Onorati assures us that Solana’s proof-of-stake nonsense offers a “productivity edge” over Bitcoin, thanks to these… “staking rewards,” alongside the ever-elusive potential for price gains. How quaint.
In July, they managed to fleece $122.5 million through a convertible debt raise, led by Cantor Fitzgerald. A firm that, one struggles to believe, requires further encouragement to participate in such ventures. They track their validator performance with a metric they call “Annualized Organic Yield” – a phrase that deserves a place in the lexicon of corporate absurdity – which currently stands at a paltry 10%. This equates, we are told, to roughly $63,000 in daily revenue. Enough for a few decent lunches, perhaps. 🤔
Strong Financial Performance and…Network Expansion?
DDC reported $1.98 million in quarterly revenue – a considerable increase from the pathetic $400,000 of a year ago. Net income, having miraculously reversed a $800,000 loss, now stands at $15.4 million. One must wonder how. The company, staffed by veterans of the notorious Kraken exchange, has been diligently scaling its validator infrastructure. And, naturally, indulging in the practice of increasing its share of total staking rewards on the Solana network. They’ve even signed a validator agreement with Kraken, and operate validators for thoroughly respectable tokens like… Dogwifhat. Sharing the rewards with the community, naturally. A gesture of almost unbearable generosity. 🐶
Investor sentiment, predictably, was “upbeat.” DDC shares climbed 18% during Tuesday’s session, closing at $17.84, and added another 6% in after-hours trading. The fools. The beautiful, trusting fools.
Disclaimer: The information proffered herein is intended solely for amusement and should not be construed as advice of any sensible kind. Coindoo.com bears no responsibility for any financial ruin resulting from a misguided attempt to emulate these digital alchemists. Please, for the love of all that is decent, consult a qualified professional before making any rash decisions.
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2025-08-13 06:00