OMG! Is My Bitcoin Wallet About to Become a Birkin Bag? 💰🤔

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Right. So the entire world has gone completely mad and is now staring at little green and red candlesticks on charts as if they were tea leaves. Or the runes in my horoscope app. Which, incidentally, said today was a good day for ‘financial consolidation,’ whatever that means. Probably that I should eat my feelings rather than buy more crisps.

Market Overview: AKA, My Emotional State Today

So apparently, one single Bitcoin is now worth approximately one hundred and twelve thousand pounds. Which is frankly absurd. That’s more than I spent on my entire flat. And my flat has a working toilet, which is more than can be said for the blockchain, which just has a lot of people arguing. It briefly got a bit wobbly, like me after three chardonnays, but then it perked up again. Resilience, darling. We could all learn a bit from Bitcoin.

The chart-watchers are banging on about a ‘symmetrical triangle formation.’ It looks less like a triangle and more like a confused squid to me. They say if it goes above a certain number-something like a hundred and sixteen thousand-we’re all going to be millionaires. Or it could all collapse and we’ll be left with nothing but a profound sense of regret and a cold pizza. No pressure.

The RSI is at 41, which is apparently neither here nor there, like a man who says he’ll call but you know he won’t. The MACD is ‘negative,’ which sounds terribly serious, like a diagnosis. But the long-term trend is still ‘intact,’ which is what I say about my jeans after Christmas.

Trend and News: Rich People Doing Things

The main news is that some ‘whales’-which are not actual whales, but just men with too much money-are buying loads of it. This is meant to make us feel good, like when a popular girl wears the same shoes as you.

And then there’s Elon Musk. He’s said something pro-Bitcoin again, presumably between launching a car into space and naming his next child something like ‘X Æ A-12 Market Cap.’ Everyone gets terribly excited, as if he’s the messiah and not just a man who knows a lot about rockets. Mark Cuban and Tim Draper are also involved, making it a proper boys’ club.

Meanwhile, on Binance, they did a ‘yield farming’ thing that made $250 million in an hour. Yield farming sounds terribly wholesome, like something you do in wellies, but it’s actually just computers making money while we sleep. It’s enough to make you feel terribly inadequate.

Expert Insights: Or, Wild Guessing

Some woman called Leah Wald, who is a CEO and therefore probably has very good shoes, says Bitcoin could hit $175,000 by Christmas. And a million by 2030. A MILLION. For one coin. At which point I will be so rich I will have to hire a man to follow me around just to say “indeed, madam” and look disapproving.

But then another man, Mike Novogratz, says if it gets to a million it might actually be because the entire world economy has collapsed and we’re all using Bitcoin to buy tins of baked beans. So it’s either untold riches or dystopian nightmare. The usual, then.

The general consensus is that it’s a ‘hedge against inflation,’ which is a posh way of saying it’s better than watching your savings account achieve nothing except a profound sense of existential dread.

Final Thoughts (Mostly About My Bank Balance)

So the outlook is ‘optimistic,’ provided it doesn’t all go horribly wrong. Which it might. It’s all a bit like a relationship with a unsuitable man: thrilling, potentially disastrous, and likely to keep you up all night checking your phone.

Everyone will be watching the ‘halving’ in 2025, which sounds like a tragic event but is apparently a good thing. I suppose I shall just sit here, clutching my 0.0000001 Bitcoin, and dream of one day being able to afford a taxi home without having a small heart attack.

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2025-08-21 22:38