You Won’t Believe What Bitcoin Did After the “Biggest Crash Ever”

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Ah yes, cryptocurrency – the financial equivalent of riding a unicycle across a tightrope while juggling flaming chainsaws. 🎪 According to various analysts (who presumably sleep with price charts under their pillows), October is still shaping up to be “Uptober,” despite last week’s market plunge that had half of Twitter declaring the end of civilization.

Scott Melker, crypto podcaster and part-time optimist, confessed that after witnessing the “largest liquidation in crypto history,” he fully expected October to be bloodier than a vampire’s brunch menu. 🧛‍♂️

And yet, like a cockroach surviving nuclear war, the market refuses to die. “Honestly feels like a small miracle,” Melker said, presumably clutching a stress ball shaped like Bitcoin. He insists we’re not entering a bear market – which is good, because most of us couldn’t afford another emotional support animal.

After briefly faceplanting into oblivion, total crypto market cap heroically bounced back to $4 trillion – before tripping again when Bitcoin forgot how to stay above $111,000. Classic Bitcoin. 🙄

Melker noted that unlike previous catastrophes featuring ICO chaos, mining bans, or exchange implosions, this particular fiasco wasn’t caused by external villains.

“What happened last week was purely structural. The kind of event that forces everyone to stop, reprice risk, and rethink what’s actually possible (and broken) in this market.”

Volatility Ahead – Fasten Seatbelts and Secure Emotional Stability

Tim Sun of HashKey Group told CryptoMoon that the road to the top is going to be bumpier than a camel on rollerblades.

“Following last weekend’s aggressive deleveraging, sentiment in the cryptocurrency market has yet to fully recover, and overall risk appetite remains subdued. Price action is relatively sensitive to headline-driven catalysts.”

Translation: markets are currently about as emotionally stable as a toddler after skipping nap time. 😵‍💫

But don’t panic! (Which is exactly what people say right before panic is absolutely warranted.) Sun believes grumpiness will pass and that, over time, things like policy easing and people generally calming down will take over.

Uptober: Now with 10 Years of Selective Memory

October has a reputation for making Bitcoin soar – except for when it doesn’t. It’s currently down 0.6%, which in crypto terms is roughly equal to a sneeze.

Historically, Bitcoin loves to surprise everyone in the second half of the month. In 2024: +16%. In 2023: +29%. In 2020: +18%. In human terms: enough to convince your skeptical uncle that maybe, just maybe, your “magic internet coins” weren’t such a bad idea.

Melker also pointed to gold rocketing to an all-time high last week. Traditionally, when gold flexes, Bitcoin pops in later like, “Hey guys, miss me?”

“Investors aren’t panicking, they’re reallocating. And if gold can rally that hard, imagine what happens when capital starts rotating back into Bitcoin.”

More Reasons for Hope (or at Least Mild Delusion)

Trade tensions appear to be cooling as President Trump and President Xi prepare for yet another meeting filled with awkward smiles and photo opportunities. 📸

According to Sun:

“Trade conflict is not a zero-sum game; both parties ultimately seek larger shares of the gains, suggesting the eventual outcome is likely to be more moderate than current sentiment implies.”

Meanwhile, whispers of Fed rate cuts and good old-fashioned currency debasement have investors feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Or that might just be indigestion. Hard to tell.

Either way – welcome to Uptober. Buckle up. 🚀

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2025-10-15 07:04