Well, well, well. Coinbase Global Inc., that plucky purveyor of digital dreams, took a rather spectacular nosedive on Monday, landing with a resounding thud at $263.95 per share-a 7.06% decline that would make even the most hardened investor clutch their pearls. And if that wasn’t enough, the pre-market trading on Tuesday decided to join the pity party, dragging the poor thing even lower. Oh, the humanity! 😱
To put it in terms even your Aunt Agatha could understand: Brian Armstrong’s brainchild, which relies on crypto prices and trading volumes like a chap relies on his morning tea, is looking decidedly wobbly.
The Grim Details (Or, Why Your Portfolio Is Crying)
- Coinbase’s stock did an impression of a lead balloon on Monday, dropping 7.06% to $263.95, and then decided to keep sinking like a stone in pre-market trading Tuesday. Cheerful, isn’t it?
- Bitcoin, that fickle beast, slipped below $90,000-revisiting the sort of numbers last seen when people still thought NFTs were a good idea. Ethereum, Cardano, and Solana also joined the pity parade.
- Despite posting Q3 earnings that would make Scrooge McDuck blush ($1.9 billion in revenue, thank you very much), Coinbase recently bungled a $2 billion acquisition of BVNK. Smooth moves, lads.
Oh, and did we mention Coinbase is sitting on $1.6 billion in Bitcoin? That’s either a cushion or a ticking time bomb-depending on how optimistic your therapist is.
The whole kerfuffle was part of a broader market slump, because why suffer alone when you can drag everyone down with you? The usual suspects were to blame: crypto-market jitters, inflation fears, tariff tantrums, and whatever else the economic doom-mongers could dredge up.
Bitcoin, that digital drama queen, tumbled below $90,000-revisiting the sort of prices last seen before its April plunge to $74,400, which was, incidentally, also blamed on President Trump’s tariff policies. At this rate, Bitcoin’s mood swings are giving soap operas a run for their money.
And lest you think Bitcoin was suffering solo, here’s a handy table of misery:
| CRYPTOCURRENCY | PRICE | 24h GAINS +/- |
| Cardano (ADA) | $0.4672 | -5% (Ouch.) |
| Ethereum (ETH) | $3,012.02 | -5.3% (Double ouch.) |
| Solana (SOL) | $135.53 | -3.1% (Mildly ouch.) |
| XRP (XRP) | $2.16 | -3.7% (Yawn.) |
| Dogecoin (DOGE) | $0.1551 | -3.6% (Much wow. Such sad.) |
| BNB (BNB) | $906.98 | -2.8% (Could be worse. Could be raining.) |
Coinbase, bless its cotton socks, has been as consistent as a weathervane in a hurricane lately. On one paw, it reported Q3 earnings that made Wall Street sit up and take notice ($1.9 billion in revenue, up 25% from last quarter-not too shabby). It even struck a deal with JPMorgan to support JPM Coin, because nothing says “legitimacy” like cozying up to big banks.
On the other paw, the soon-to-be-Texan company abruptly called off a $2 billion acquisition of BVNK, a London startup specializing in stablecoin payments. The deal was supposed to help Coinbase diversify beyond trading fees and become a proper fintech player. Instead, it’s back to the drawing board-or perhaps the pub. 🍻
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2025-11-18 08:54