Trump’s Crypto Tokens: A Golden Carousel of Non-Transferable Delight!

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My dear, oh my, what a spectacle! Trump Media & Technology Group Corp. (DJT), that bastion of modern enterprise, has deigned to grace its shareholders with a digital trinket of sorts-a non-transferable crypto token, no less. Mark your calendars, darlings, for February 2, 2026, the date when this grand charade reaches its zenith. One can only imagine the queues of eager souls clutching their single shares, hoping for a morsel of this digital extravaganza.

A Token of Trump’s Affection

According to the proclamation, only the most worthy-those holding at least one whole share of DJT stock as of the sacred record date-shall be deemed eligible. Trump Media, ever the meticulous host, will consult with brokers to ensure no beneficiary is left unaccounted for. How thoughtful, though one wonders if the brokers themselves will require a stiff drink afterward.

Post-record date, the collaboration with Crypto.com shall commence, minting these tokens with all the fanfare of a royal coronation. They shall reside on the blockchain, held in custody like prized jewels, until the moment of distribution. One can almost hear the trumpets blaring in anticipation.

But wait, there’s more! Trump Media, in a fit of generosity, promises additional rewards throughout the year. Discounts on Truth Social, Truth+, and Truth Predict? How utterly divine. One can scarcely contain one’s excitement at the prospect of such bountiful offerings.

CRO Token: A Tale of Woe

Let us not forget the tragicomic subplot involving Crypto.com’s native token, CRO. Last August, Trump Media announced a $6.4 billion investment in this digital darling, part of a strategic reserve. Yet, despite this latest announcement, CRO has plummeted to $0.089, a fall as dramatic as a leading lady fainting on stage. The crypto market, ever fickle, has dealt it an 11% drop in the past week alone. Poor thing.

Devin Nunes, the indefatigable CEO and Chairman of Trump Media, offered his thoughts with characteristic aplomb:

“We look forward to leveraging Crypto.com’s blockchain technology consistent with Securities and Exchange Commission guidance to benefit our shareholders and promote transparency, including by obtaining a clear picture of bona fide beneficial ownership as of the record date.”

Ah, transparency-that elusive siren of the corporate world. One can only hope it fares better than CRO. Until then, my darlings, let us raise a glass to this latest chapter in the Trumpian saga. Cheers!

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2026-01-21 02:11