Ah, the theater of the absurd! Behold, the great Nouriel Roubini, that Cassandra of calamity, has once again emerged from the shadows to prophesy a “crypto apocalypse.” With a flourish of his quill, he declares that the future of money shall crawl like a snail, not soar like the phoenix of cryptocurrency dreams. What a spectacle, dear reader, to witness this economist, a man whose brow furrows deeper than the blockchain’s mysteries, warn of the “pseudo-asset class”-a term he wields with the gravity of a man describing a ghost haunting the ledger books.
In a missive that could only be penned in the twilight of reason, Roubini laments the latest plunge of Bitcoin and its kin, a dive more dramatic than a Gogol protagonist’s descent into madness. “Volatility!” he cries, as if the very word were a specter haunting the markets. And yet, he hopes-oh, the irony!-that policymakers shall awaken from their slumber before the crypto beast devours us all. A noble hope, indeed, though one wonders if they are not already lost in the labyrinth of Trump’s crypto-fueled fantasies.
Speaking of the erstwhile president, what a farce it was when Donald Trump, that maestro of the absurd, returned to the White House, his pockets lined with the dreams of retail crypto investors and the backing of blockchain barons. Promises were made-Bitcoin at $200,000! Digital gold!-yet here we stand, the emperor’s new coins gleaming with the luster of a mirage. Trump, ever the showman, dismantled regulations with the zeal of a man tearing down a stage set, signing acts with names as grandiose as they were hollow: GENIUS, CLARITY. Oh, the irony of clarity in a world of meme coins and pardoned crypto criminals!
Roubini, ever the skeptic, scoffs at the notion of Bitcoin as a hedge. “A leveraged risk asset,” he declares, as gold ascends while Bitcoin plummets. And what of the TRUMP and MELANIA meme coins? Down 95%, they lie, a testament to the fleeting nature of fame and fortune. Crypto, he insists, is neither currency nor asset-a ghostly apparition lacking substance, utility, or sense. El Salvador, he notes, has embraced Bitcoin with all the enthusiasm of a man chasing a will-o’-the-wisp, yet it accounts for a mere 5% of transactions. A revolution, indeed!
Stablecoins, the only crypto application to find footing, are but a digital echo of fiat money, Roubini observes with a sigh. And decentralized finance? A utopia that shall never be, for governments, those guardians of order, shall not permit the chaos of anonymity. AML, KYC-acronyms that choke the very life from crypto’s promises of freedom and low costs. The GENIUS Act, he warns, risks resurrecting the chaos of 19th-century free banking, a specter best left buried.
As Bitcoin continues its downward spiral, falling like a tragic hero in a Gogol tale, the markets tremble. Analysts whisper of balance-sheet stress, systemic risk, and the fragility of firms built on crypto dreams. Yet, in this theater of the absurd, one cannot help but laugh-a bitter, knowing laugh-at the folly of it all. Roubini’s apocalypse may yet come, but until then, let us marvel at the spectacle, for in the world of crypto, reality is stranger than fiction.
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2026-02-05 20:47