Coinbase’s Latest Scheme: Letting You Owe More in Style (But Not in New York)

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In a masterstroke of financial innovation, Coinbase has decided to let you borrow against your cryptocurrency like it’s the 19th-century equivalent of pawning your last cravat. Now, even Ripple’s XRP and Cardano’s ADA-tokens so desperate for relevance they’ve resorted to collateral-can join the grandest of all capitalist follies: crypto-backed loans.

Unfortunately for New Yorkers, this particular financial pantomime excludes them. Perhaps the state’s regulators are still recovering from the trauma of fractional reserve banking or simply lack the imagination to appreciate such audacity.

A Love Letter to Altcoins (Mostly)

Coinbase Borrow, that fickle paramour of the crypto world, returned in 2025 after a brief, two-year hiatus. One imagines the company’s executives pacing their offices, whispering, “We mustn’t abandon our users! Not even to chase regulatory ghosts!”

Now, dear investors, you may borrow up to $100,000 in USDC against your tokens, all while keeping your digital trinkets in a virtual safety deposit box. It’s like having a butler who also happens to be a loan officer-though he’ll probably steal the silver anyway.

“Unlock the value of your portfolio without selling,” Coinbase implores, as if “not selling” is the pinnacle of human achievement. Truly, a service for those who fear missing out on missing out.

While this may elevate the reputations of XRP, ADA, and their ilk, the market remains unimpressed, trading lower as if to say, “How quaint you think this matters.” Yet history whispers: when Coinbase adds a token to its roster, prices often leap like a startled gazelle. Last summer, SPX6900 and AWE Network surged after being “discovered,” while others tumbled when exiled. The drama of it all!

WAL, AZTEC, and ESP briefly danced upward before retreating, but RAVE-ah, RAVE-has clung to its 25% weekly gain like a Victorian maiden to her virtue. Perhaps it’s simply more refined.

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2026-02-19 21:30