Shocking Crypto News: US Agencies to Spill the Beans on Their Digital Treasure! đź’°

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In a rather curious turn of events, the federal agencies of the United States, those bastions of bureaucracy, are poised to unveil their clandestine cryptocurrency holdings to the Department of the Treasury by the 7th of April. This revelation comes on the heels of an executive order, signed with great fanfare by none other than President Donald Trump, who seems to have taken a keen interest in the digital gold rush.

According to a source whose name is as elusive as a good Wi-Fi connection in a rural area, journalist Eleanor Terrett has reported that the deadline for these agencies to report their crypto treasures to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is indeed April 7. However, fear not, dear reader, for these disclosures will remain shrouded in secrecy for the time being. “It’s unclear if and when the findings could be made public,” Terrett quipped, leaving us all in suspense like a poorly written cliffhanger.

Crypto disclosure follows Bitcoin Reserve establishment

This reporting requirement is a direct consequence of an executive order issued on March 7, which mandated the establishment of a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve and a broader Digital Asset Stockpile. The Bitcoin (BTC) reserve, it seems, will be filled with BTC that has been forfeited to federal agencies through the thrilling world of civil or criminal asset seizures. Who knew crime could be so profitable?

White House AI and crypto czar, David Sacks, described this reserve as a “digital Fort Knox for the cryptocurrency.” One can only imagine the guards, clad in virtual reality headsets, standing watch over the digital vault. Sacks assured us that the US will not sell any BTC held in this reserve, stating, “It will be kept as a store of value.” A noble sentiment, indeed, though one wonders if it will be treated with the same care as a forgotten sandwich in the office fridge.

In a moment of reflection, Sacks lamented the US government’s previous decision to sell 195,000 BTC for a mere $366 million. “If only we had held on to those assets,” he mused, “we could have made billions!” Ah, hindsight, the greatest of all teachers, and often the most sarcastic.

The reserve will initially be filled with the BTC currently held by the Treasury, while other federal agencies will “evaluate their legal authority” to transfer their BTC into this shiny new reserve. One can only hope they don’t trip over their own red tape in the process.

As for the digital asset stockpile, Sacks assured us it would promote “responsible stewardship” of the government’s crypto assets under the Treasury. This includes the potential for sales from the stockpiles, which sounds suspiciously like a yard sale for digital coins.

On March 2, Trump declared that the crypto reserve would encompass assets like XRP (XRP), Solana (SOL), and Cardano (ADA). Later, he added Ether (ETH) and Bitcoin (BTC) to his illustrious list of digital treasures. One can only imagine the excitement in the Oval Office as they scrolled through crypto exchanges.

Crypto plunges as Trump tariffs shock global stocks

While Trump’s election may have initially sent crypto markets soaring, his subsequent actions have proven to be a double-edged sword. On April 5, the Trump administration unleashed a 10% tariff on all countries, with some nations, like China and Japan, receiving even harsher rates. The European Union, not to be left out, was also hit with a 20% tariff. It’s almost as if he’s playing a game of Monopoly, but with real money and real consequences.

In the wake of this tariff debacle, the overall crypto market capitalization took a nosedive, plummeting by over 8% and settling at a mere $2.5 trillion. A small price to pay for the thrill of international trade wars, wouldn’t you agree?

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2025-04-07 15:26