This Bitcoin Update Will Make You Roll Your Eyes (But You’ll Read It Anyway)

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Alright, so Bitcoin is hanging out above $94,000. Consolidating. Very nice. Very cozy. Like it’s at a spa day or something. But everyone’s out here holding their breath for $100,000, and—you guessed it—nothing. Nada. Zip. It’s like waiting for your friend to pay you back. Is something big supposed to happen? Or are we just watching Bitcoin yawn and check its watch?

The market is basically your nutty cousin at Thanksgiving

All these big indicators—Stochastic RSI, regular RSI, the MACD—oh, they’re looking just fantastic. They’re screaming “We’re bullish! Buy! Buy!” But the price? Still hanging out like a guy who got invited to the party and is too shy to dance. Why? Because markets are unpredictable. They don’t care about your feelings, charts, or that fancy suit you bought for your trading photo. They do whatever they want, whenever they want. Like my Aunt Shirley at bingo night. 🤦‍♂️

ETFs and treasuries grabbing BTC like free snacks

Now, here’s some fun: The U.S. Bitcoin ETFs bought 6.31K BTC on Monday. Last week? 33.5K. The ETFs are buying faster than Larry at a $1 pizza slice sale. And then there’s Michael Saylor with 15,355 BTC. Corporate balance sheets, sovereign treasuries… Everybody wants in. It’s a gold rush, but instead of pickaxes, it’s people in Patagonia vests and bad haircuts. “Number go up!” That’s the dream. 🚀

Bitcoin price at a crossroads (cue the dramatic music)

On the short-term charts, Bitcoin is coiling up, like it’s about to make a run for the bathroom after a questionable burrito. If that price action breaks upwards, hey, we might finally see some fireworks. But if it flops? Eh, probably just a bit more meandering. Because sideways trading is really exciting… for people who enjoy watching paint dry.

Trying to lay down some price structure, maybe a futon

Look, on the daily charts, we’re just milling around in the middle of a range—$91,300 to $99,500. All this moving around is supposed to be “laying down price structure.” I mean, who invented that phrase? But, okay, sure, maybe we bounce up to $106,200 next, and that becomes the new battleground for people on Reddit to argue about.

Bitcoin: “I could surge! Or not!”

The weekly chart says everything’s just dandy. Did you hear that? Dandy! Support is holding. Maybe the price will go higher. Maybe not. The Stochastic RSI is sending strong signals. Apparently, the last time it did this, Bitcoin moonwalked right up the charts. So what’s it waiting for now? Maybe a polite invitation. Or a phone call from Oprah. Or maybe (and this is wild) it just wants to mess with us a little longer. 😏

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2025-04-29 13:23