Bitcoin Outshines Everything: Investors Pour Money Faster Than You Can Say “Don’t Panic”

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If humans ever needed proof they’re a tad obsessed with shiny imaginary objects, last week supplied it in spades. According to that oh-so-glamorous and thoroughly British CoinShares report (because where else would you expect digital alchemy to be audited?), Bitcoin crooned its way into investors’ wallets to the tune of $867 million. That’s million with an “m.” Apparently, stratospheric numbers get more exciting as you delete zeros off your bank account.

Collectively, the world’s crypto aficionados dumped $882 million into the digital asset cosmos, pushing gains into their fourth straight week. Year-to-date? Investors are up to $6.7 billion, which is approximately the GDP of a small but rather determined country or the yearly coffee budget of Wall Street traders. ☕💰

Record ETF Inflows (Because Records Are Meant to Be Broken…and Forgotten Next Week)

All of this optimism, CoinShares claims, is largely due to the fact that money is multiplying like bunnies on a spring morning, and all that looming U.S. inflation is making cash feel as reliable as a weather forecast from Vogon poetry. To compound matters, several U.S. states have now decided to officially embrace Bitcoin in the way most people embrace British weather—with resigned confusion but vague hope.

Meanwhile, the “analysts” (presumably, people employed to look very serious in meetings and occasionally mention “macro” things) point to the minor detail that American ETFs have gobbled up a gobsmacking $62.9 billion since January. For context, that’s enough to buy a small island nation or a lifetime supply of electric toothpicks—whichever has more long-term value.

Regionally, the United States proved yet again that it can’t resist shiny new toys, accounting for $840 million. Germany joined the party with $44.5 million, while Australia, never one to miss a good surf or a good speculative bubble, splashed out $10.2 million. Canada and Hong Kong, on the other hand, decided to walk backwards out of this nightclub, pocketing their collective $8 million and $4.3 million like cab fare after a disappointing evening.

Ethereum Tries Its Best, Nobody Notices (Awkward…)

While Ethereum valiantly attempted to impress by twirling its metaphorical mustache and showing off a price jump, investors offered it a polite golf clap and a meager $1.5 million in new inflows. Meanwhile, the little Layer-1 engine that could—Sui—attracted $11.7 million, leaving Solana in the dust. In the bizarre race of who gets to brag at Layer-1 cocktail parties, Sui sprinted ahead with $84 million this year, tripping Solana’s $76 million with a casual “whoops.”

As for Bitcoin, it continues to swagger about, wearing its price tag like a badly tailored suit. At $103,853, it’s only slightly sulking after a tiny 0.8% dip in 24 hours, but overall, it’s up 10.3% for the week—enough to make most retirement funds weep into their spreadsheets. Over 30 days, Bitcoin has gained 24.5%, now just 4.6% shy of its all-time high of $108,786. No one can say exactly what will happen next, but the universe does love a plot twist. 🌌🪙🚀

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2025-05-13 00:48