This Country Might Buy Bitcoin Like It’s Toilet Paper During a Sale

by

Picture this: war-torn Ukraine, a place where you supposedly can’t afford to sneeze, is now apparently budgeting for Bitcoin—because if you’re going to aim for financial ruin, might as well do it with crypto flair 🎢. And who’s holding their hand through this Les Misérables-meets-the-blockchain moment? None other than Binance, the gym buddy that eggs you on to lift slightly more than your doctor recommends.

Ukraine Thinks Bitcoin Will Fix Everything (Maybe Including War)

Ukrainian MP Yaroslav Zhelezniak—whose name sounds like something you might accuse someone of being if you lost a game of Scrabble—decided that what Ukraine really needs right now is a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. If you thought you were bad with money, just wait. This guy’s ready to schlep a bill onto parliament’s floor, because nothing says “I like a gamble” like casinos and national treasuries.

Apparently, the last real challenge is waffling over the wording. Should we call it “Strategic Reserve” or “Our National Wallet, Please Don’t Hack Us?” To be fair, Zhelezniak is also Deputy Chairman of Finance, so crafting euphemisms is basically his job description.

In a bold turn of events, back in February, Mr. Zhelezniak toyed with a law about a national crypto reserve. Now, he’s laser-focused on Bitcoin, because who wants a diversified portfolio in 2024? His ambitions are so contagious, even Conor McGregor wants to spar with El Salvador’s president over a potential Irish Bitcoin reserve. Imagine that pay-per-view.

“We will soon submit a draft law from the industry allowing the creation of crypto reserves,” Zhelezniak declared, while the world’s accountants quietly wept.

Binance Promises to Hold Ukraine’s Hand While Everyone Else Watches

Meanwhile, over in the Binance camp (presumably a tent decorated exclusively with QR codes), the execs can barely contain their glee. Kirill Khomakov, Binance’s big cheese for all the regions you kind of forget about in Pub Quizzes, says they’re “here for Ukraine.” If the phrase “the process will not be quick” sounds like breakup language, you’re not alone.

Legally, of course, Ukraine must still conjure up some actual rules, instead of just collecting NFTs of cats in military helmets. There’s talk of robust* legislation, although “robust” is Ukrainian parliamentary code for “I’ll keep deleting your amendments for the next five years.”

“The creation of such a reserve will require significant changes in legislation, which indicates that this process will not be quick,” Khomyakov sighed, probably into his bowl of virtual borscht.

Meanwhile, Binance has been collecting government partnerships like some people collect limited-edition sneakers. Remember when their founder, Changpeng Zhao, tried to convince Kyrgyzstan to add Bitcoin to its pantry? You gotta admit, if they keep this up, inflation will finally have someone to talk to at parties. 🥂

All this while Ukraine is, inconveniently, at war. But hey—should peace suddenly break out, crypto traders expect Bitcoin to pop like a bottle of cheap champagne in a dorm room. Maybe it’s not exactly the road to recovery, but at least no one can say they didn’t try something new (and not at all volatile) in 2024.

Read More

2025-05-15 02:44