Alameda Research Unstakes $35M in Solana: Will It Go Back to Creditors?

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Behold, gentle reader, here is a philosophical comedy: a certain impoverished (in spirit yet lavish in misappropriation) entity, once named Alameda Research, has emerged from the crypto-crypt to unstake one-hundred-and-ninety-thousand-odd SOL. Thirty-five million dollars-pieces of silver multiplied by a modern factor of one hundred-now tremble in the digital sky like apples of knowledge hanging just above those labeled “Creditor.” 🍏💸

They were planted (or rather, maliciously “staked”) in the gloomy autumn of 2020, worth then a mere thirty-five-odd pieces of pocket change. There they lay, fermenting existential dread and compound interest-a fiscal stench of possibility-until this very moment when, with the dignity of a bankrupt archangel discovering the last dented halo, the wallet hiccups and vomits forth its riches. 🤢✨

“Will this be finally returned to creditors?” asks Arkham, the tireless town-crier of chain-analysis, as if creditors were quivering medieval serfs awaiting rain in a drought. Pray, who among us-having once lost both trousers and faith-still expects restitution from The Grand Abacus of Providence? 😂

Yet let us not ignore the pious ritual that preceded this moment of un-staking revelation: barely a week earlier, cold wallets belonging to the penitentiary saints FTX & Alameda shuffled $125 million (ETH & SOL alike) into staked prayers, as though the path to salvation lay in locking the loot more deeply-a monastic vow of liquidity celibacy. 🙏💤

  • $45 million of SOL-plausible indulgences for future Sol souls;
  • $80 million of ETH-sent to Figment, a nomenclature too perfect: figments of restitution for a figment of morality. 🐭📿

Now critics (those tasseled professors of schadenfreude) opine: keep it staked!-turn creditors into mystics who receive value in next life’s airdrop. A true Byzantine solution: salvation via infinite staking recursion. ♾️🕯️

How It All Started (Hint: With Original Sin, but With Fewer Apples, More Leverage) 🐍📉

In November 2022, the veil was torn; the tabernacle broke its blockchain mitre. It was discovered (as if discovery still mattered) that the sacred customer deposits-bread and wine to the crypto faithful-had been quietly emptied into high-stakes roulette run by Boy-King Sam and his fiddle-playing court, Alameda. 🎻🤑

Bankruptcy courts rang like vodka glasses in Siberia; creditors wailed; the empire filed moral and fiscal bankruptcy. Our protagonist-SBF, styled Prince of Ponziana-was found guilty, sentenced, and now presumably rewrites calculus treatises on prison napkins. 📜🪡 Meanwhile, the new stewards, wrapped in judicial sackcloth, toil to refund what was never truly theirs, like a butler discovering his master’s corpse and politely returning the spoons. 🥄⚖️

To date: $6.2 billion returned in two divine installments (February & May 2025). A third Septembral tithe awaits, though the calendar insists upon August 15 as the deadline for claimants to extend their moral IOUs. Total promises flutter at $14.7 to $16.5 billion, depending-naturally-on the mood swings of crypto-Market Zeus. ⚡📊

the wallet unstakes today, but you, dear creditor, read like Raskolnikov clutching an axe-label: you hope for justice, fear for disappointment, and ultimately know that

the ledger shall remain cruelly balanced in the currency of absurdity

. 🤯💼

May the gods of GAS fees have mercy on your pixels. Amen and HODL. 😈🙌

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2025-08-11 23:34