Anthropic, purveyors of the enigmatic *Claude* AI (which may or may not be a sentient parrot in a lab coat), has somehow convinced the universe to slap a $183 billion price tag on its head. This is either a triumph of capitalism or a cry for help. Probably both.
The latest funding round-$13 billion, co-led by ICONIQ Capital, Fidelity, and Lightspeed-is the financial equivalent of a wizard’s apprentice summoning a dragon with a spreadsheet. Investors included Goldman Sachs, BlackRock, and Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan, who are now collectively wondering if they’ve just funded a future where humans become optional.
From a $60 billion valuation in January (back when “AI” meant asking Alexa to play disco music), Anthropic has now tripled its worth. Its revenue? A “modest” $5 billion run rate. Customers? 300,000 businesses. Clearly, someone’s doing math that defies the laws of physics… or just very convincing PowerPoint slides.
The company’s crypto ties are as tenuous as a sock puppet’s grip on reality. Its only notable link is to FTX, the now-defunct exchange that once bet its entire future on a 7.8% stake in Anthropic. FTX later sold that stake like it was an expired coupon for “Free NFT.”
Claude in Crypto: Because Robots Need Coffee Too
Claude, the AI that probably spends its free time writing haikus about blockchain, is now a crypto darling. Coinbase uses it to answer user questions faster than a trader sells Dogecoin during a market crash. Crypto.com employs it to analyze global markets, though it’s unclear if the AI has developed a taste for Bitcoin or just finds it amusing.
Coinbase claims Claude can process thousands of messages per hour, reducing customer service times to “blink and you’ll miss it.” One wonders if the AI has unionized yet. Probably not-it’s too busy calculating your tax-loss harvesting strategies.
In a world where crypto firms need AI to avoid regulatory pile-ups worse than a blockchain of turtles, Currency.com’s CEO, Konstantin Anissimov, waxed poetic about AI-powered systems that “map wallet behavior” and “detect regulatory mismatches.” In other words: robots are now better at following rules than humans. Shocking.
“These tools help map wallet behavior, interpret anomalies across chains and detect mismatches between business logic and regulatory zones in real time and at scale.”
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2025-09-02 23:52