Ray Dalio

For SHIB to kiss that half-cent pinnacle, its market cap must balloon to $2.94 trillion—a sum so ludicrous it makes Bitcoin blush and Ethereum giggle into its ledger. Imagine, if you will, a memecoin eclipsing Apple. *Checks notes* Nope, still hilarious. 🤯

Picture this: On July 25, a dormant whale—old money, salt-and-pepper beard, probably smoking a cigar made of pure Satoshi—decided to chuck 30,000 BTC ($3.5B!) onto exchanges. 🐋💸 It’s like dumping a truckload of gold bricks at a flea market. Weeks of this whale-sized yard sale now total 80,000 BTC. Thanks, Lookonchain, for tracking this digital dumpster fire. 🔥

According to The Information, which is basically the gossip column of the tech world, Kraken is planning to raise $500 million at a whopping $15 billion valuation. That’s like going from a small-time player to a crypto king in one fell swoop. 👑

Paul S. Atkins, the man with the most SEC name since “Chair of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission” (try saying that five times fast), announced on July 30 that they’re finally getting serious about regulating that thing everyone secretly hopes will be the new gold—digital asset magic. After a cozy chat called the President’s Working Group report—crafted through many late-night meetings filled with coffee and debates—they’re gearing up to make the U.S. a crypto superpower, or at least try really, really hard.

Can you trademark a non-fungible token? The courts are scratching their heads and saying, “Well, maybe!” Old brand protection laws are being twisted and contorted to fit a new digital world, much to the delight of lawyers everywhere. 🤓

The wise fools at Animoca declare this hybrid concoction, birthed by Canary Capital, shall allocate 80-95% of its treasure to the PENGU token and a mere 5-15% to the Pudgy Penguins NFTs. A collection once but a fleeting fancy in 2021, ’twas rescued from obscurity by the enterprising Luca Netz in 2022. 🦸♂️

AllUnity’s big moment: launching EURAU, a stablecoin so legit it’s fully reserved and adheres to every regulation known to man. Think of it as the Swiss Army knife of digital euros—wise, regulated, and here to save the day for digital transactions across Europe, without the risk of turning into digital dust.

And what does it all serve? To preserve America’s vaunted leadership, they say, a shining beacon amid the chaos—yet one wonders if they see themselves as lighthouse keepers or just another flickering flame doomed to drown in their own smoke. As Atkins intones, the plan is to “reshore” the businesses that fled, escaping the storm of regulation-by-enforcement—like some modern-day exodus, only with less Moses and more paper.

On Wednesday, July 30, the crypto ETF market played a game of contrasts. Bitcoin ETFs hauled in a hefty $47.04 million—like a dog with a bone—mostly because Blackrock and Bitwise decided to put their best foot forward.