Strike CEO and Twenty One Capital co-founder Jack Mallers announces that JPMorgan Chase pulled the plug on his bank accounts without so much as a polite goodbye. Because apparently, bank managers have forgotten the phrase “customer service.” 🏦🤷♂️
The great banking mystery of the moment: why does a bank that’s been wading through the digital asset pond like a drunken duck suddenly decide to politely inform someone, “We aren’t allowed to tell you”? The answer, dear reader, is as clear as a bank vault-nobody is allowed to say.
Mallers Says JPMorgan Gave No Reason: “We Aren’t Allowed to Tell You”
In a series of riveting tweets, Mallers revealed that last month, JPMorgan Chase decided to give him the ol’ “up yours,” citing a mysterious incident that disregarded three decades of familial banking loyalty. Naturally, each time he asked “Why?” the bank, like a parrot with amnesia, repeated: “We aren’t allowed to tell you.”
He even shared a photo of a letter (which may or may not have been written in invisible ink) claiming JPMorgan spotted “concerning activity,” a phrase so vague it probably covers everything from “breathing too loudly” to “owning a Bitcoin.”
This unexplained departure has caused more chatter than a seagull at a chips stand, with rumors swirling that Operation Chokepoint 2.0 is still very much a thing-shuffling behind the scenes with the grace of a pachyderm in a pottery store. Banks, it seems, are silently but ever so surely, cutting off ties with crypto entrepreneurs because, well, apparently they prefer their financial relationships like their bad coffee-instant and without explanation.
Paolo Ardoino, CEO of Tether, chimed in as cheerfully as a librarian on a Friday, suggesting Mallers’ expulsion might actually be for the best-a sentiment so optimistic it practically screams, “Please, don’t hold us accountable if this goes wrong.”
I think it’s for the best
– Paolo Ardoino 🤖 (@paoloardoino) November 23, 2025
Meanwhile, the debate rages louder than a dragon with a toothache: can traditional banks and Bitcoin-native rebels ever truly get along, or are they destined to be perpetual adversaries, like cats and cucumbers? 🤔🐱🥒
Debanking Drama as JPMorgan Faces Microscopic Fallout
The timing of Mallers’ bank account vanishing act is more suspicious than a cat in a fish store. JPMorgan is already under fire for allegedly mismanaging transactions linked to Jeffrey Epstein, which is akin to accusing your burglar alarm of stealing the jewelry. Senator Ron Wyden isn’t buying the “concerning activity” excuse either, hinting JPMorgan might have been helping obscure more than just bank statements.
On top of that, JPMorgan is sweating over the potential exodus of MicroStrategy from major indexes, which owns a digital treasure chest of 649,870 BTC-enough to make even the most hardened banker ask, “Is this a good idea?” with all the enthusiasm of a rat in a cheese factory.
If MSCI reclassifies MicroStrategy as “Too Bitcoin-y,” it could trigger billions in fund outflows faster than you can say “blockchain.” Meanwhile, the bank’s reputation is taking hits faster than a hotel pillow at a pillow fight, with revelations of underreported transactions adding fuel to the fire.
In the end, Mallers’ mysterious account shutdown isn’t just a personal grievance; it’s a rallying cry for every crypto enthusiast who’s ever wondered if the banking gods are just playing a giant game of hide-and-seek. Spoiler alert: they are.
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2025-11-24 16:22