Banks Scream as Trump Squeezes Their Golden Goose 🏦💸

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The bankers, those fine-suited vultures perched atop their marble towers, clutched their pearls tighter than a miser’s purse strings. Trump, that golden-haired bull in the china shop of high finance, had just lobbed a grenade into their gilded playground-a 10% cap on credit card interest. Oh, the horror! The humanity! 🎭

Citigroup, JPMorgan, Wells Fargo-names that usually inspire awe or nausea, depending on your tax bracket-tumbled like drunks after last call. Down they went, 1%, 2%, even 3%, as if the very earth beneath Wall Street had turned to quicksand. And Capital One? Poor Capital One. Down 7%, looking as sprightly as a deflated balloon at a birthday party. 🎈

Trump, ever the showman, announced his grand plan late on a Friday-because nothing says “I care about your weekend” like dropping financial chaos like a mic. “Ten percent!” he declared, as if he’d just invented sliced bread. Never mind that the average cardholder was already getting gouged at 19.7%, or that store-branded cards charged rates high enough to make a loan shark blush. Details, details. 🤷‍♂️

The banking bigwigs, those champions of the little guy (ha!), scrambled to their fainting couches. A trade group-bless their hearts-waxed poetic about “devastation” for families and small businesses. Funny how “devastation” always seems to strike right when profits are threatened. 🎻

Behind closed doors, the suits plotted their revenge: tighter credit, fewer rewards, and a swift boot to anyone with a credit score lower than their golf handicap. Because nothing says “free market” like punishing the poor for being poor. Meanwhile, consumers-those plucky, debt-laden souls-would just have to find new ways to drown in IOUs. Ah, America. 🇺🇸

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2026-01-13 11:22