Banks Stash $34 Billion Under Mattress—Are They Seeing Ghosts or Just Bad Credit?

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If you thought Aunt Agatha’s rainy day fund was impressive, wait till you get a load of the likes of JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, and Citigroup. These financial behemoths have rustled up a collectively jaw-dropping $34.87 billion (yes, with a “b”) to shield their delicate constitutions from the stormy weather of economic uncertainty.

That’s right, the titans of American banking have been stashing away enough dough to make even the Monopoly Man look twice. S&P Global’s scribes have tallied up the whole shebang, and one wonders if they’re expecting a drizzle or a full biblical flood.

The first quarter saw JPMorgan Chase leading the parade with a rather enthusiastic $3.31 billion provision, overshooting the bean-counters’ guesses by a cool $556 million. One imagines Jamie Dimon in his office, gleefully shoveling another barrow-load of cash into the vault while muttering, “Take that, consensus!”

Across the annum, JPMorgan is swinging for the fences with a whopping $12.87 billion squirrelled away (perhaps hoping to win a prize for Most Alarmist Bank). Citigroup, never one to be left too far behind, is parking $10.69 billion to the side, just in case.

Bank of America joins the prudent-for-the-paparazzi club with a demure $6.37 billion, while Wells Fargo is perhaps content to ride out any storm with mere $4.93 billion set aside. One almost expects the Wells Fargo stagecoach to roll by, stacked with burlap sacks marked “Rainy Day.”

Outside of JPMorgan’s dramatic flair, most of the banks seem to be taking a gentler approach—provisions aren’t quite as plump as some Cassandra’s might predict. To top off this suspenseful financial whodunnit, analyst R. Scott Siefers (presumably in a trench coat, magnifying glass in hand) points out that despite the show of confidence, banks are keeping their cards horrifyingly close to their chests. Forecasts remain as foggy as a London morning.

In other words, the situation can best be summed up as “keep calm and provision extravagantly”—or at the very least, don’t let them see you sweat. 💸🤷‍♂️

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2025-05-10 20:22