Thursday on Wall Street: The Nasdaq decided to do its best “comeback kid” impression, climbing higher thanks to Microsoft and Meta’s earnings reports. Investors breathed a collective sigh of relief—like parents hearing their teens come home before curfew—after tech’s dynamic duo dropped some juicy profits numbers. The angst over President Trump’s trade war with China? Still there, just quieter, like that mysterious smell in the break room fridge. 🧀
The Nasdaq Composite almost made a dramatic exit (closed near session lows—so, like, tripped in the final act), but still wore a 1.52% gain like a slightly askew tiara. Microsoft shares leapt 7.6% (Bill Gates probably did a happy dance in socially responsible shoes), while Meta soared 4.2% because we all need more targeted ads about things we yelled at Alexa.
Apparently, Big Tech can handle tariffs, global instability, AND your weird uncle’s Facebook posts. AI and cloud profits? Check. Ad revenue? Also check. Existential dread about the robots outsmarting us? That’s for another day.
The S&P 500 tried to keep up, almost like your cousin at a family 5K—still up by 0.63% or 1.1% (depending on whether you ask your accountant or your aunt with a “math allergy”). Meanwhile, the Dow Jones eked out a 0.21% gain, locking in its longest winning streak of the year. Somewhere, a finance bro shed a single tear of joy into his kombucha.
But hey, not all the news was champagne and avocado toast. Weekly jobless claims hit a two-month high (unemployment office coffee just got more popular), and first-quarter GDP did the splits—with an actual contraction. All eyes now squinting anxiously toward Friday’s jobs report, like someone waiting to see if their bread will rise after using way too much yeast.
Market looks to Apple and Amazon
Speaking of anxious onlookers, investors are now huddled around their devices, waiting for Apple and Amazon’s earnings like it’s the Super Bowl, but with fewer nachos. Both are dealing with White House trade drama: Amazon says, “Don’t worry, we’re not making you pay more…yet,” while Apple’s plan is to peace out of China and call it ‘innovation.’ 📱
Meanwhile, somewhere in fast food land, McDonald’s blamed their rough quarter on weak consumer demand and trade pressure. U.S. sales slipped, shares fell 2%, and the McRib is still gone. Truly, these are dark times.
On the global stage, Beijing is coyly signaling that maybe, just maybe, they’ll swipe right on more trade talks, but Trump’s team is holding out for China to make the first move. It’s basically “The Bachelor: International Policy Edition.” Could a fresh round of trade deals be the next big plot twist? Tune in next time for more drama—and possibly, more stock market whiplash. 💼🚀
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2025-05-01 23:25