Billionaires Want Your Spare Change: X Goes Full Monopoly Man 🇺🇸🗿💸

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If there’s one thing the modern tycoon loves more than Twitter beefs and launching large objects into the heavens, it’s shoving financial arcana into your favorite scrolling app. Enter Elon Musk—fresh from invading outer space and the odd meme exchange—now scheming to transform X (the artist formerly known as Twitter) into a full-blown bazaar where, presumably, you’ll be able to wire your rent, invest your fortune, and possibly tip your dog walker, all without leaving the comforting embrace of the timeline.

Linda Yaccarino—CEO extraordinaire and, one suspects, survivor of many a baffling Zoom call—told the Financial Times that X’s 600 million denizens will soon “transact [their] whole life on the platform.” Everything from sending a fiver to your clueless cousin to playing the investment game will be within thumb’s reach. No word yet on whether that life includes settling old cricket scores or redeeming leftover sandwich coupons, but hope springs eternal.

The rumor mill churns with whispers of an X-branded card: will it be credit, debit, or exist purely in the metaphysical realm? Are we to imagine a shiny slice of plastic adorned with a giant, mysterious X, like something out of a Bond film but with fewer tuxedos and more Elon memes? Only time, and perhaps a few ill-advised tweets, will tell.

Not content with piloting cars to Mars, Musk is already testing “X Money”—a payment and banking app for those who think banking should come with more conspiracy theories. The official word is that “extreme care must be taken,” since, as Musk gravely observed, “people’s savings are involved.” One expects the test group to be comprised of his more adventurous (or less solvent) followers.

X Money’s official account now promises a 2025 launch. Who among us is not trembling in anticipation of sending rent via DM while replying to cat videos?

In a stunning revelation that will shock exactly no seasoned Musk-watcher, the initial rollout will hit the US first, because who better to beta-test one’s latest scheme than 300 million people with a taste for chaos and endless payment apps?

No mention of crypto in X Money yet

And now, the question stirring many a meme trader’s latte: what about crypto? Despite Elon’s legendary love affair with Dogecoin (the only currency with more dogs than the House of Lords), there’s been no confirmation of crypto payments.

Last heard, Musk mused that DOGE could buy you a Tesla “at some point,” which is, in temporal terms, somewhere between Doomsday and the next Royal Wedding. Crypto faithful remain poised for a sudden “surprise!” integration, perhaps to be announced in Elvish on an unlisted livestream.

Not that silence stops the rest of the financial jungle. Visa, in a fit of enthusiasm, is in the midst of stablecoin escapades in Africa, partnering with Yellow Card Financial, now the proud mother hen for $6 billion in digital clucks since 2019.

Closer to home, the suits at JPMorgan are busy trademarking things called JPMD—deposit tokens that promise to do for crypto what soup did for lunch. The pilot? Coinbase’s Base network, naturally. Watch this space for official announcements, accidental leaks, and, one hopes, a musical episode.

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2025-06-19 23:20