Jordi Visser, a man whose title stretches longer than a Soviet breadline, proclaims bitcoin will reign supreme in 2026. How shocking. 🙄
The “Machine Economy”: Where AI Agents Weep Over Bank Holidays
In his latest missive-likely penned by candlelight in a bureaucratic basement-Visser unveils “the machine economy,” a dystopian paradise where AI slaves trade stablecoins while humans queue for ration cards.
“Picture a factory,” Visser muses, “where machines toil endlessly, optimizing every cog and bolt… only to be shackled by banking hours more rigid than a Gulag guard’s schedule. Such is the tragedy of progress meeting bureaucracy.”
Only blockchain, Visser declares with the fervor of a dissident uncovering state lies, can liberate these digital serfs. Stablecoins-those “triple-threat” marvels-are the samizdat of finance: whispering value across borders while the old system snores.
Andreessen Horowitz (a16z), those capitalist commissars, report stablecoin volume hit $46 trillion in 2025-enough to buy Siberia twice over. Coingecko’s data, meanwhile, ticks upward like a prisoner marking days on a cell wall.
“Stablecoins are the on-ramp,” Visser intones, as if unveiling a Five-Year Plan for Crypto. And where does this glorious ramp lead? To bitcoin, naturally-the proletariat’s hard asset.
“Bitcoin will triumph in 2026 not through hype, but through plumbing,” Visser decrees. “Like a frozen pipe in January, it’s inevitable.”
Bitcoin currently trades at $94,532-up 9% this year, or roughly the morale boost of a Gulag inmate spotting the sun.
- Why 2026? Because Visser said so.
No speculation here-just cold, algorithmic destiny. Or so we’re told. - Stablecoins: The Crypto Tractor
They plow the fields of the digital economy so bitcoin may feast. - The “Machine Economy”: A Comedy
AI agents revolt against bank holidays. Coming soon to a theater near you. - Why Bitcoin? Why Not?
It’s the least-worst option in a world where fiat money smells of vodka and regret.
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2026-01-19 14:57