In the ever-churning sea of modern finance, where the tides of progress clash with the rocks of tradition, Bitcoin’s political destiny now teeters on the edge of a precipice, according to a chorus of crypto prophets who seem to have mistaken their Telegram channels for the Kremlin.
Paolo Ardoino, the enigmatic helmsman of Tether, has declared Bitcoin “certainty,” a term that sounds suspiciously like a man trying to sell you a bridge in St. Petersburg. Yet here he stands, arms raised like a prophet in a desert, proclaiming the pioneer crypto as an anchor in a world where even the concept of time feels unstable.
On a Sunday steeped in digital omens, Dennis Porter, CEO of the Satoshi Action Fund, hinted at political news that would “reshape the trajectory of Bitcoin politics.” One wonders if he consulted a crystal ball or simply misread a stock ticker. His subsequent claims of “critical phone calls” have left the crypto faithful clutching their wallets like a prayer book, awaiting divine intervention-or a regulatory subpoena.
“Massive political news coming for Bitcoin on Tuesday will reshape the trajectory of Bitcoin politics. This will be a defining moment,” he posted on X, where every sentence is a sermon and every emoji a holy relic.
Porter’s nonprofit, which spends its days lobbying in Washington, has since doubled down on its theatrics, alleging bullish secrets buried in whispered conversations. Meanwhile, Wendy O, a self-proclaimed crypto influencer, has joined the chorus, claiming the news could “influence the history of crypto”-a bold claim for a market that rewrites its own history every 24 hours.
Enter Paolo Ardoino, who, in a moment of poetic irony, framed Bitcoin as “certainty,” a word that feels as outdated as a gold doubloon in a world of quantum computing. By calling the asset an “inevitability,” he inadvertently echoed the hubris of every emperor who believed their reign was eternal-until the next revolution.
Bitcoin is certainty.
– Paolo Ardoino 🤖 (@paoloardoino) September 21, 2025
Fred Krueger, a Bitcoin advocate with the subtlety of a cannon, amplified the frenzy, declaring Tuesday’s event the “biggest crypto event of the decade.” Yet even he couldn’t resist a jab at Porter, whose hype cycle he compared to “engagement farming”-a modern sin that rivals the gluttony of medieval kings.
BITCOIN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN AFTER TUESDAY! GET READY FOR THE BIGGEST CRYPTO EVENT OF THE DECADE… DENNIS PORTER ENGAGEMENT FARMING IS THE FUTURE. DON’T MISS OUT! 🚀
– Fred Krueger (@dotkrueger) September 21, 2025
As the clock ticks toward Tuesday’s “political bombshell,” the crypto world holds its breath, torn between hope and the nagging suspicion that this is just another episode in the eternal soap opera of digital finance. Will it be legislation? A regulatory pivot? Or perhaps a viral tweet that accidentally became law? The mystery, like Bitcoin itself, is maddeningly opaque.
Yet the market dances on, trading at $115,451-a price that feels less like a number and more like a dare. In this grand theater of speculation, the only certainty is that nothing is certain. Not even the prophets of the blockchain.
Bitcoin: $115,451. A figure that defies logic, embraces chaos, and somehow, against all odds, remains… certain. 🤷♂️
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2025-09-22 02:02