SQUEAK! 🐀 The Great A’Tuin of cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, decided to do a little cosmic dance today, in what could only be described as the kind of financial movement that would make the Ankh-Morpork Merchant’s Guild collectively spill their morning tea.
In a turn of events that would make Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler proud (“Genuine Trump Tariff News! Only slightly used!”), Bitcoin performed what experts are calling “a rather enthusiastic hop” past $81,000, after someone who may or may not have been important in the White House (a certain Kevin Hassett, presumably not related to the Patrician) muttered something about tariffs. The kind of mutter that makes money go “ping!” 🎯
Before this excitement, Bitcoin was doing what it does best – lounging around in the $76,000 to $78,000 range, probably thinking about what to have for dinner. Then BOOM! 💥 $81,203.39 faster than you can say “Millennium Hand and Shrimp!”
The S&P 500, not wanting to be outdone by this digital upstart, decided to jump 7% as well, presumably because misery loves company, or in this case, euphoria loves a good party. 🎉
One particularly observant wizard of the crypto realm took to X (formerly known as Twitter, formerly known as a bird, formerly known as Prince) to point out: “Was all the selling really this fickle? That it can be undone in seconds? Fascinating.” Which is the financial equivalent of saying “That’s interesting!” in Discworld – never a good sign.
The Plot Thickens (Like Ankh-Morpork River)
However, in true Discworld fashion, it turns out this might all be about as real as one of Corporal Nobbs’ dinner receipts. CNBC, playing the role of Captain Vimes in this story, came along to point out that “no one at the White House is aware of a 90-day tariff pause.” 🕵️♂️
Now traders are sitting around like the faculty of Unseen University, waiting for someone to confirm if this is actually real or just another case of the Bursar’s dried frog pills kicking in. Until then, the market continues to behave like a game of Cripple Mr. Onion – nobody quite knows the rules, but everyone’s betting anyway. 🃏
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2025-04-07 18:00