Per Fox News—the trusted source of everything except, arguably, calm nerves—two men allegedly kidnapped an Italian millionaire, Michael Valentino Teofrasto Carturan, who seems to be saving up for a very exclusive pizza, given that his Bitcoin hoard reportedly topped $100 million. The accused: John Woeltz, 37, and his comrade-in-bad-decisions, William Duplessie, 33.
The Ethereum Layer 2 project, Linea, hath finally unveiled its tokenomics with a flourish of pyrotechnics. Lo, the LINEA token shall not be a mere gas or governance trinket but a companion to ETH, bound by a fiery burn system designed to immolate both supplies. A mere fifth of its 72 billion tokens shall grace the market at launch, while the remainder slumbers in an ecosystem fund, guarded by a cabal of Web3 titans. How quaint! 🧙♂️🔥
JPEX and HyperVerse? They strutted with event sponsorships, promising credibility thicker than a Cambridge mustache. Naturally, they collapsed faster than a soufflé under investigation, leaving investors clutching their pearls and losing billions. 💸
According to a survey from Deloitte published on July 31, there’s a big ol’ shake-up in the North American corporate world. Almost a quarter—yes, 23%—of CFOs from these million-dollar money makers say they’re fixin’ to have cryptocurrencies snuggled into their treasury departments within the next couple of years. They’re talkin’ about payin’ bills or ever-seein’ some investment growth with these digital doodads. And let me tell you, folks—these ain’t no backroom misfits; this is the big leagues. The survey, gathered in June of 2025 from 200 of these financial captains, makes it clear that crypto ain’t just some fly-by-night nonsense anymore—it’s inching its way into the main office. 🧐
Meanwhile, the corridors of Pi society are thick with restless souls. Migrations, they say, proceed at the rate of Siberian glaciers; KYC lingers in limbo like an existential riddle; and the token itself suffers from a terrible malaise, its value as feeble as a 19th-century debtor. Still, the Core Team offers promises, not rubles. Why lock one’s fortune away, skeptics ask, when the very foundation—App Studio, Pi Domains, the fabled land of Opportunity—remains cloaked in mist, half a dream, a Dostoevskian hallucination.
So, LINK dipped to $15.68, which is basically pocket change if you ask Elon Musk (probably). That’s about as low as your weekend plans during a global economic free-for-all.
The data, darling, reveals that Dogecoin’s fashionable death cross has fully arrived — a fancy way of saying “things might get worse before they get better.” Investors are probably deciding whether to tap out, fearing further losses — because who doesn’t love a good game of “Will It Drop?” at $0.1985, down 3.27% in a day, with trading volume whispering a modest $2.75 billion. Truly, volume is the new avocado toast — expensive and not quite satisfying.
Right now, the crypto cosmos is weighed down over 5% in a cosmic tumble, orbiting at a modest market cap of $3.7 trillion—give or take a few asteroid-sized blunders. Bitcoin is holding strong at $113K (probably because it’s the universe’s most stubborn asteroid), while its altcoin companions—Ethereum, XRP, Cardano, and Solana—are taking a nosedive, as if auditioning for the next fall season.
And he’s quick to clarify—“Hey folks, this is *not* an official Ripple thing, just my own little playground,” he says, grinning like he’s about to pull a rabbit out of a hat. “I’m here to improve reliability and gather performance data — without crashing the party or playing boss.” Classic Schwartz. 🎩🤹♂️
