Patrick Witt, some guy with a fancy title, said the DOJ confirmed the Bitcoin “hasn’t been liquidated and won’t be liquidated.” Great! So they’re just hoarding it like a squirrel with a crypto stash. 🐿️ They’re calling it the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Genius. Next thing you know, they’ll be building a bunker and trading goldfish for Dogecoin.
UPDATE: Officially confirmed-those digital treasures snatched from the clasp of Samourai Wallet are not being turned into lemonade. They will remain on the grand USG balance sheet as part of the SBR. Take that, skeptics! 🥂
zkEVM on L1 – the plan
Such a marvelous spectacle hints at a renewed fervor in the ETH derivatives market! One might think our traders have returned from their winter slumber, ready to plunge back into the fray!
Strive, a Nasdaq-listed asset manager, just completed a deal so epic, it’s like watching a superhero movie where the villain is the stock market itself 🎬💥. The transaction, announced on Friday, follows shareholder approval earlier this week-because who needs sleep when you can vote on mergers? 🧠
The U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Eastern District of Virginia, that most staid of institutions, revealed a federal complaint filed in Alexandria, Virginia. It accuses Mr. Figueira of conspiracy to launder money-a crime as old as commerce itself, yet here rendered in the glitzy vernacular of blockchain and shell companies.
Enter Michael Nadeau, the Cassandra of crypto, who whispers: “This rally smells of yesterday’s perfume-lovely, but doomed.” 🧐
He has astutely pointed out the waning security budgets, the ominous rise of 51% attacks, and what he categorizes as “impossible choices” for our dear digital currency. Bons warns that these fundamental vulnerabilities could very well erode trust and, heaven forbid, lead to chain splits! What a melodrama!
According to the wizards at Chainalysis (who apparently spend their days deciphering blockchain tea leaves), this surge is a delightful mix of ordinary folks fleeing banks like they’re on fire and state-linked actors playing a high-stakes game of “move the money before anyone notices.” 🕵️♂️💼
