CME Group, a financial derivatives marketplace, announced plans to launch futures contracts for Cardano (ADA), Chainlink (LINK), and Stellar (XLM), marking another expansion of its regulated cryptocurrency derivatives offering. Trading is scheduled to begin on February 9, subject to regulatory approval, and will be available on the CME Globex platform. Because why not? The future of finance is here, and it’s just a few clicks away.
Crypto market watchers started buzzing. MacroScope, the analyst account that tracks institutional positioning, called the filing a “very important filing today.” They noted Dartmouth owned 201,531 IBIT shares valued over $10 million as of year-end, plus 178,148 Grayscale Ethereum Mini shares valued at about $4.9 million. Really? We’re doing this in the endowment now? 🙄
Iran’s ambassador to Pakistan, a figure of quiet authority, shared this revelation, hinting that Trump had even requested Tehran to refrain from targeting American assets. One might wonder if the President’s diplomatic overtures were born of genuine peace or a desire to avoid another Venezuela-style debacle. 🤷♂️
That’s right, my dear readers, 86.3% of all crypto failures since 2021 happened in this glorious year. 2025 wasn’t just a bad year for tokens; it was their personal apocalypse! 🌋💀
ETH found a similar swagger, trading around $3,360 with 24-hour volatility at about 1.9%. Its market cap clocked in near $405.62 billion and 24-hour volume around $32.43 billion. It also spiked to a local high of almost $3,400 on Jan. 14, which is the crypto version of a good hair day-flattering, but you know it’s not lasting long enough to matter to your retirement plan.
Let’s be real: Binance used to run this town like a mayor who never pays parking tickets. But now it’s got competition coming out of the woodwork like termites at a picnic. According to Bitcoin Sistemi (which sounds less like a data firm and more like a sci-fi villain’s prostate supplement), Binance’s global spot trading share dipped to 25% last December. That’s a 10% drop since November. At this rate, by March they’ll be trading Monopoly money for expired Groupons.
Now, how does this magic trick work, you ask? It’s simple! Just lock away a mere 0.01 BTC, which is about the cost of a decent dinner (or a few cups of coffee if you’re feeling thrifty) – roughly $960 these days – and voila! You are bestowed with a credit line of a million pesos. That’s right, a million! As if money grows on trees or, better yet, Bitcoin grows on blockchain!
The total cumulative net inflow is now hovering above $58.1 billion, while total assets across all funds have ballooned to $128.04 billion. That’s 6.56% of Bitcoin’s market cap, or roughly the GDP of a small, confused country. 🌍💸
In truth, the stage doth present a grander trial. The space ‘twixt 98,000 and 110,000 dollars is its sternest resistance hitherto; a wall as thick as a playwright’s irony, and perhaps as heavy as a banker’s purse. 😏
