Crypto news

In a move that’s about as surprising as finding a towel in a hitchhiker’s backpack, South Korean neobank KBank is going full-on digital asset mode just as it gears up to go public. Trademark filings-those thrilling documents everyone pretends to understand-suggest they’re launching stablecoin wallet services. Why? Because the world is tilting towards crypto, and KBank doesn’t want to be left holding the wrong end of the stick (or the blockchain).

But this statue, affectionately dubbed “Don Colossus,” is not merely a tribute to a man with 34 felony counts (and counting). It is, as the New York Times delicately puts it, the centerpiece of a crypto venture so bizarre it could make a Broadway farce weep. Expect legal tussles, financial whiplash, and alliances forged in the fires of desperation.

Data, that cold and unflinching arbiter of truth, revealed Bitcoin’s plight in stark terms: a 4% tumble in 24 hours, a 15% plunge over seven days. Yet, Bitcoin was not alone in its misery. Ethereum, that other enfant terrible of the crypto world, shed 25% of its value, while XRP followed suit with a 17% decline. The sell-off, it seemed, was a communal affair, a tragic ballet performed by assets once hailed as the future of wealth.

Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence company xAI is expanding into the crypto sector by recruiting a specialist to train its AI models on digital asset markets. This is the sort of move that makes you wonder if the AI will one day realize it’s been working for a man who once tried to buy a banana plantation with a rocket.

“The greatest mass liquidation event in history,” he declared, his voice tinged with a mixture of awe and disdain. A staggering $19 billion evaporated into the ether, with Bitcoin alone shedding $5 billion. Altcoins, those poor fools, plummeted 20-70%-a financial massacre, a carnival of despair. And Weisberger, ever the cynic, whispered the forbidden truth: “Was it manipulation? I damn well think so. I have no proof. But it was just too damn obvious a time for an incredibly profitable attack.”

Apparently, ‘Bitcoin treasury’ is the new black, and SWC is here to prove it. But let’s be real-they’ve also proven that losing $100M in three months is a great way to test your commitment to the bit. (See what I did there? Commitment? Bit? I’ll be here all week.)

Bitcoin has dropped 5% to $75,000, which is basically just a few hundred dollars above its weekend low. Ethereum is down 6.5% to $2,200, and Solana has slipped below $100 like it’s trying to avoid eye contact. Awkward.

In a delightful twist of fate, the United States Department of Justice, that bastion of legal oversight, has released a trove of documents that suggest Epstein’s dalliance with Coinbase was facilitated through Brock Pierce’s Blockchain Capital. Oh, the irony! One can almost hear the collective gasp of crypto enthusiasts as they sift through these electronic missives, searching for clues like detectives in a suspenseful drama.

XRP, once dismissed as a mere ledger entry, now dons the mantle of “pillar” in the DeFi coliseum. A report-less a document of insight than a press release in disguise-claims the token’s circulation within this ecosystem is swelling, a testament to humanity’s eternal quest to complicate the simple. The numbers, 222.2 million XRP, are less a triumph than a reminder that in crypto, anything multiplied by zero still yields zero. Yet, here we are, celebrating liquidity pools as if they were the Ark of the Covenant.

Chainlink (LINK), that fickle minx of the crypto world, has found itself in a pickle after a corrective move so aggressive it’d make a bull in a china shop blush. Having lost its footing at the $21 mark, it’s now clinging to $9.65 like a barnacle on a ship’s hull. This isn’t just any old support level-it’s the kind of support that’s been there through thick and thin, like a loyal hound dog in a storm.