The most conspicuous transformation occurred in Coinbase’s U.S. derivatives operation, where futures trading shed its limitations like a bureaucrat shedding his principles. By introducing perpetual futures-those peculiar instruments that trade endlessly like a government clerk’s complaints-Coinbase bridged the gap between U.S. and offshore platforms, much to the dismay of anyone who enjoyed sleeping.
And so it is, in the grand tapestry of VanEck’s twenty-five years of market prophecies, that Mr. Sigel postulates a 15% annual compound crescendo of growth for our digital darling from 2026 onward. This, he believes, is not merely a tumultuous dance of volatility, but a celestial journey of structural monetary embrace, far removed from the jejune metrics of traditional models like discounted cash flows or earnings ratios. With a prideful bow, the firm embarks on a quantitative journey, hypothesizing Bitcoin’s valiant penetration into the promised lands of global trade settlements and central repositories of reserves.
A legal tapestry woven through the labyrinth of digital legitimacy now graces the Republic of K. The Supreme Court, that grand arbiter of jurisprudence, reportedly decreed-like a Shakespearean oracle-that bitcoin, when sequestered in custodial vaults of cryptoiges, may be yanked from its digital lair by gumshoes.
In 2025, Ethereum’s liquidity figures were less a report and more a Shakespearean soliloquy. DeFi’s Total Value Locked? A staggering $99 billion-nine times any Layer 1 rival. Stablecoins, those unassuming digital coins, settled $18.8 trillion in volume-numbers so colossal they could make a mathematician weep 😢📈. Meanwhile, regulated crypto neobanks, with their cards, rewards, and payment programs, reached millions like a well-meaning uncle with a gift card.
In a splendid drama involving the not-so-mysterious “Mr. A,” who found himself in a bit of a pickle with 55.6 Bitcoins amounting to around 600 million won ($413,000), we witnessed a riveting dispute. Our dear Mr. A argued that these digital treasures, residing in exchange accounts, are akin to air-non-physical and thus untouchable by the law’s hand! Oh, how naïve! 😲
What, then, is the true measure of this descent? Not the numbers, but the who. Who sells? Who buys? A question as profound as the void itself.
XRP may have gained brief upward traction, but short-term holders’ sentiment appears to be moving into a cautious state. From an on- chain standpoint, these key investors are currently stepping back, trimming their positions after several weeks of choppy price action and weakening momentum. 🧘♂️
The pro-gold billionaire, with the fervor of a zealot, bestowed upon her the dubious honor of “first prize for the dumbest reason to buy Bitcoin”-a title she might have preferred to avoid, had she known it would be etched in the annals of financial folly. 🤯
The Foundation, with all the flair of a West End premiere, declared they’re “radically transforming” OP tokenomics. Monthly buybacks, my dears, will swallow half the Superchain revenue like a socialite at a champagne fountain. 🍾
Mining ops hit pause, and everyone suddenly realized that reliable internet is to Bitcoin what coffee is to me on a Monday: non-negotiable. Cheap electricity? Sure, but if your internet is slower than a sloth on vacation, you’re out of luck. 🐢
