Crypto news

As reported by the esteemed Wall Street Journal and Bloomberg (because who trusts anyone else? 🤷‍♂️), the court-appointed administrator-probably still sipping on a fancy coffee ☕-filed the case in 2025 against Jump Trading, William DiSomma, and Kanav Kariya. The suit claims they “accidentally” stabilized UST with secret handshakes, then sold off LUNA like it was Black Friday at the crypto mall 🛍️, leaving investors high and dry. Jump says, “Not us! Blame Do Kwon-he’s busy in prison now! 🏁”

What’s truly alarming is the waning confidence among Bitcoin’s most esteemed cohort-those long-term holders who seem to be behaving as if they’ve just remembered they left the stove on. Their confidence, or lack thereof, could throw a wrench in any grand recovery plans. And who doesn’t love a bit of financial chaos? 🎩🃏

What sayest thou, dear reader? The age-old four-year cycle, that fickle lover, now falters! The halving, that sacred ritual, grows weaker with each passing year, while interest rates, those capricious courtiers, shall bow to the whims of 2026. And lo! The leverage, that drunken reveler, hath been banished, leaving only the sober and the steadfast. 🍷🚫

Observe, good sirs and madams, these vital observations:

Bitcoin’s daily chart has apparently just gotten through a particularly dramatic existential crisis, plunging from a dizzying $96,538 to a still-sober $80,537. The price is coloring in the lines, trying to create higher lows like a valiant, terrified student. Now, it’s um… perched between $86,000 and $90,000, awkwardly eyeing the ceiling like a waiter eyeing a scandal.

Uniswap’s UNI token soared to a dazzling $6.35, marking a 32% increase from its low point this month. This little jaunt propelled its market capitalization to a whopping $5.7 billion, a figure that would make even Scrooge McDuck consider diversifying into crypto.

Vous moquez-vous, dirait on! Ah, mais perdez pas de vue notre brave NIGHT dans sa gracieuse chapelle, bien loin de ses camarades de la secte des tokens de confidentialité, dont la moyenne pondérée languit à une piteuse baisse de 0,5% – mais que pourrions-nous attendre, sinon une légère faiblesse ?

Fifteen years later, the revolution has been co-opted, sanitized, and fed through the grinder of Wall Street. Yet, like a cockroach surviving nuclear winter, Bitcoin persists-not through virtue, but through sheer, stubborn adaptability.

Back, with the fervor of a prophet, declared Carter’s musings as “uninformed cacophony,” a jangle of folly that serves no purpose but to agitate the faithful. The schism within the Bitcoin community, once a quiet murmuring, now roars like a tempest, as the faithful debate whether to whisper warnings or raise alarms in the face of an uncertain future.

CryptoQuant has issued a warning that Bitcoin could be entering a new bear market. The platform’s data suggests a potential decline toward $70,000, and even as low as $56,000, over the next few months. This is the kind of news that makes investors feel like they’ve accidentally bought a ticket to Mars, only to discover the spaceship is powered by existential dread and bad decisions. 🪐