The total market capitalization of crypto, once a proud emperor striding through its kingdom at $3.05 trillion, has now shrunk to a mere $2.88 trillion-like a grand feast that turns into a single crumb under the table, robbing the unsuspecting of nearly $200 billion!
The result? A financial fiasco, my friends! Over $1.7 billion in positions liquidated faster than a Mel Brooks punchline. That’s right, 270K traders are crying into their blockchain-themed pillows, with leveraged bulls losing a whopping $1.6 billion. Coinglass data doesn’t lie, folks-it just sits there and judges you.
Warsh sat with Trump in the White House’s marble chambers last Thursday. News agencies – the merciless sharks of the press – report that the President announced his intent to reveal the decision on Friday. Trump, ever the baffling prophet, alluded to a candidate whose time might have come “a few years ago,” turning the room into a stage for a possible theatrical farce.
This grand announcement comes at a moment when markets are in a state of disarray, having just endured a staggering $1.7 billion in crypto liquidations and approximately $9 trillion in what can only be described as monetary gymnastics. Oh, the spectacle!
Schwartz, ever the diplomat, declined to make an absolute claim when pressed by an eager X user to declare XRP’s journey to $50 or $100 as impossible. “I don’t feel comfortable saying something like that,” he purred, with a hint of amusement. “After all, I once thought XRP hitting $0.25 was as likely as a snowball’s chance in Hades. And look at us now!”
As the inimitable CEO Simon Gerovich proclaimed with the gravity of a man announcing the discovery of a new continent:
In a recent proclamation, Binance has revealed that its Secure Asset Fund for Users-yes, that very fund designed to cushion the fall of beleaguered users from the perils of hacks and unforeseen calamities-will now don the glorious robes of Bitcoin. Oh, what a transformation! Such a strategic shift amidst the tempestuous winds of market volatility!
C’était un jeudi noir, mes chers amis! Le Bitcoin s’est retrouvé à 82 000$, après avoir osé plonger même jusqu’à 81 000$ pendant les heures de négoce aux États-Unis. Quelle audace!
In a move that screams “we’re either geniuses or completely unhinged,” Strive Inc., the publicly traded asset management firm with a Bitcoin obsession, just flexed its financial muscles. On Jan. 28, they closed an upsized and oversubscribed follow-on offering, because apparently, investors are still throwing money at anything with the word “Bitcoin” in it. Oh, and they bought more Bitcoin. Shocking.
The institutions, those paragons of prudence, have finally dipped their quills into the crypto inkwell. By year’s end, their presence in regulated crypto derivatives was as unmistakable as a bear in a china shop. CME Group’s report on January 27, 2026, painted a picture of record-breaking activity in the fourth quarter. Volumes swelled, open interest ballooned, and product usage soared-a veritable feast for the financially famished.
