Crypto news

Trump’s SBF Pardon Flameout & the Great Crypto Gambit 🐘/PrivateEye:

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Well, by thunder! The Almighty Donny Trump, him who plays chess with the devil and calls it a pickup game, has thrown down the gauntlet regarding Sam Bankman-Fried’s pardon. According to The New York Times (yes, that old nemesis of truth and coffee), our illustrious leader confirmed this during an interview on January 9, 2026-sounds like he picked the date to make history’s calendar scream “Legacy?” Please. He also praised his pro-crypto stance, claiming it fetched him votes. “It’s not my fault folks like crypto more than they like my golf courses,” he probably muttered while squinting at the camera. 🤡

Dogecoin: To the Moon…Or Not? 🚀

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This Dogecoin, it seems, has had a rather spirited start to the year, jumpin’ around like a flea in a carpet factory – a 21% increase from a measly $0.117. They say it hit a high of $0.156. High for a memecoin, perhaps, but I’ve seen higher hills in Missouri. It had reportedly been lookin’ peaked, lost half its value from way back when, before suddenly perk’in up. This fella, Trader Tardigrade-a right mouthful of a name, that-points to some “Tweezer candlesticks.” Now, I ain’t no expert in readin’ candles, but it sounds like some sort of fortune tellin’ with wax. Seems they thinks it’s a sign of a bit of a rebound.

XRP’s Wild Ride: Will It Outshine Bitcoin’s Dull Dominance? 🎢💰

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XRP Chart from Bird

In a missive dispatched via the digital ether (or “X post,” as the plebeians call it), Bird opined that XRP’s price is destined for its most spectacular ascent yet, predicated on Bitcoin’s waning supremacy. He noted, with the gravity of a man announcing the end of the world, that BTC.D’s precipitous drops in 2018, 2021, and 2024 coincided with XRP’s parabolic flights of fancy. The 2018 rally, in particular, saw XRP soar to its previous all-time high, a feat as fleeting as a summer romance in a Waugh novel. 🕊️💸

tag. The original title is “Token Collapses 99.95% After $26M Exploit”. Maybe something snappier with emojis. How about “💥 Truebit’s TRU Token Plummets 99.95% in $26M Meltdown! 😱” That’s 73 characters, includes emojis, and is catchy. Now the body. The original starts with a bold paragraph. I’ll rephrase that with a Bryson-esque twist. Maybe something like, “Oh, you know, just another day in the crypto world where things go boom…” Add some sarcasm about the date being memorable. For the section “The Anatomy of the Attack”, perhaps a humorous subheading. Maybe “The Day TRU Decided to Play Hide-and-Seek with $26 Million”. That’s playful and fits the Bryson style. Including emojis where appropriate. After mentioning the token crash, maybe a 💸 or 🤡. When talking about the hackers, maybe a 🕵️♂️ or 🎩. The image should stay in place. The paragraphs after that need to be rewritten with humor. For example, instead of “Security firm Cyvers Alerts detected the anomaly”, say “Cyvers Alerts, the crypto equivalent of a neighborhood watch…” to add a sarcastic comparison. When mentioning the old contract being exploited, make a joke about it being a “vintage” vulnerability or something. Maybe “Who knew that a five-year-old contract would be the crypto equivalent of leaving your front door open in a hurricane?” The part about Truebit’s response could be phrased as them “springing into action like a group of startled squirrels…” to add humor. Also, when mentioning law enforcement, maybe a comment about hoping the hackers didn’t flee to a tropical island. The FAQ section: Maybe rename it to “Frequently Asked Questions (Because We Know You’re Dying to Know)” and add emojis next to each question. For example, the first question could have a 💥 emoji. Need to ensure all links remain intact, images stay in place, and no tags or colors are used. Also, avoid markdown, just HTML. Check that the title isn’t repeated in the body. Let me go through each part step by step, applying these changes while keeping the structure. Make sure the humor is present but not overdone, and that the information remains accurate. Also, check for any technical terms that need simplification with a witty analogy.End of Thought (15.88s) 💥 Truebit’s TRU Token Plummets 99.95% in $26M Meltdown! 😱

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The native token of Truebit, a verification and orchestration layer for tokenized assets, collapsed by 99.95% on Jan. 8 after hackers decided to treat the protocol like an all-you-can-steal buffet. Market data reveals that the TRU token, which was trading near $0.1663 prior to the breach, crashed to $0.00005417 by 3 p.m. EST. That’s not a crash-it’s a faceplant into the dirt. 💸