Meanwhile, the larger-cap alts are moving slower than a tortoise with a hangover. ETH, bless its little digital heart, is clinging to $2,300 like a wizard to his staff, while XRP is hovering above $1.50, looking as steady as a dwarf with a grudge. Exciting stuff, eh?
Cryptocurrency payments and gift card platform Bitrefill, that paragon of modern commerce, has blamed the North Korea-linked Lazarus Group for a cyberattack on March 1, 2026. The incident, which would make even a seasoned butler blush, compromised infrastructure and cryptocurrency wallets. One might imagine the hackers as a troupe of monocle-wearing burglars with a taste for chaos.
On the fateful 10th of March, a missive of ominous intent was dispatched to the faithful clientele, bearing tidings of a most insidious intrusion. A malevolent interloper, having procured login credentials via phishing sites that masqueraded as Partner Central, infiltrated the hallowed halls of Starbucks’ digital domain.
But hey, not everyone’s throwing a tantrum. Some folks are riding the HYPE train like it’s a luxury limo. Who needs Bitcoin when you can have a token that’s basically a golden ticket?
According to a sagacious observer known as DorkChicken, Bitcoin’s current trajectory diverges sharply from the cataclysmic descent of 2022. The analyst’s diagram, a tapestry of historical support levels, suggests a market now fortified by layers of resilience, as if the cryptocurrency had finally mastered the art of self-preservation. Yet, one cannot help but chuckle at the irony: a market that once collapsed under its own weight now boasts a structure so robust it might rival the Kremlin’s walls-though perhaps not quite as enduring.
This spectral guide, known as the NUPL, charts the soul of the market-whether its denizens bask in illusory gain or writhe in the throes of loss. In each of the last three bearish tragedies, it stumbled into the same abyssal depths, brushing against a trendline ascending like a willow weeping over forgotten graves.
On March 17, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC), two regulatory giants with the dexterity of sleep-deprived tortoises, issued a joint-agency interpretive guidance. This document, penned in the densest legalese since the Treaty of Tordesillas, attempts to explain how federal securities laws apply to crypto assets and network transactions. One suspects the SEC’s legal team may have consulted a thesaurus written in hieroglyphs.
Now, the masses wonder: is there salvation beyond this abyss, or was it all a cunning trick, a rug pulled from under our eager, trembling hands?
Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes, clearly not a fan of high-stakes predictions, filed a 20-count criminal information against KalshiEx LLC and Kalshi Trading LLC on March 17. The charge? Violating state gambling and election laws. Apparently, Kalshi forgot to send Arizona a thank-you card (or a business registration form) before letting residents bet on everything from the Super Bowl to who’ll win the 2028 presidential race. Oopsie!
According to data from Alphractal, Bitcoin is seeing very little activity from older coins, with the Coin Days Destroyed Multiple reaching its lowest point since 2022. This suggests that long-held Bitcoins are largely being held and not spent.
