Crypto news

In a January update, the FIU-yes, the Financial Intelligence Unit-announced that simply uploading an ID isn’t enough anymore. As if that ever was. 😂

It seems the regulatory chaos and political circus-think Three Rings and a clown car-did a number on retail investors. We’re talking about the blood, sweat, and tears of ordinary humans turned into digital confetti in the grand scheme of digital currency. Naughty, isn’t it? 🎪💥

The chart, that mercurial scribbler of hopes and fears, suggests that Bitcoin’s short-term ego was momentarily bullish-only to be smacked back into a neutral, perhaps even bearish, posture. A breakout seemed imminent, yet a crimson candle-perhaps a bit too dramatic-dragged the price back inside the flag’s folds. Still, at $90,000 support, it may just be playing the long game, darling. Or is it? The suspense is delicious. 😅

The fuss started, as these things generally do, with a spot of grumbling. Users reported a distinct lack of digital lucre-related postings in their feeds, a truly shocking state of affairs, I assure you.

The current price action resembles a coiled spring, poised to unleash itself upon the world rather than succumbing to exhaustion; a thrilling prospect indeed! The short-term range of $2900 to $3400 is where all the fun and games are happening, and one can only wonder what delightful direction it shall take next.

According to crypto.news, Monero (XMR) is up 18% in the past 24 hours and 59% from its December low. Trading at $575? That’s a glow-up of over 140% from its August slump. 💅 Meanwhile, privacy coins are having a moment-their total market cap just jumped 14.7%, hitting $20 billion. Privacy is the new black, darling. 🕶️

The Financial Services Commission (FSC) is just a hop, skip, and a legal document away from finalizing the “Virtual Currency Trading Guidelines for Listed Corporations.” This change is expected to usher in hordes of corporate gold-err, let’s say capital-into the crypto markets while muzzling the rowdier speculators.

But wait! Technical indicators are flashing like a grumpy old man’s warning lights, suggesting Bitcoin might need a nap before attempting any grand adventures. Will it tumble back below $90,000? Or will it summon the strength of a thousand caffeine-fueled traders and charge toward six figures? Only time (and perhaps a sprinkle of magic) will tell. ✨

The edicts demand these platforms halt their sports betting contracts, void existing deals, and refund deposits by January 31, 2026-though one might wonder if the Council hath forgotten the very concept of “time”! 🕒⚡ Sports betting attorney Daniel Wallach, that herald of doom, declared, “Lawsuits are imminent!”-a phrase as common as a tavern brawl in a Gogol tale. 🍺

As noted by the astute Julio Moreno of CryptoQuant, this represents the most noteworthy activity by a “Satoshi-era” whale since the end of 2024, which may lead one to ponder what exactly happens in the deep recesses of the digital ocean during such lengthy periods of silence. 🐋