Scott Melker, crypto podcaster and part-time optimist, confessed that after witnessing the “largest liquidation in crypto history,” he fully expected October to be bloodier than a vampire’s brunch menu. 🧛♂️
Open Interest and Funding Rates are attempting a ghastly semblance of stability, but the price action remains decidedly…temperamental. One simply can’t predict these things, can one? 🙄
So, these titans of finance – Citi (NYSE: C) and JPMorgan (NYSE: JPM) – are suddenly very, very interested in blockchain and cryptocurrency. Shocking. Citi told CNBC (because they *need* to tell CNBC everything) that they’re aiming for a crypto custody platform in 2026. 2026! Like, I’ll probably be living on Mars by then. Meanwhile, JPMorgan is still “exploring” stablecoins and tokenized payments. It’s all very exciting if you find watching paint dry…compelling. They’re prepping for the digital currency invasion, now that the US regulators have *finally* decided what’s what…mostly.
In a move that screams “We care… about PR,” the exchange will hand out $300 million in token vouchers. Values range from $4 (“Congrats! Here’s a coffee and a hug” 🧋) to $6,000 (“Now you can rebuild your life… maybe”). Eligibility? You must’ve been liquidated between Oct. 10-11, 2025, lost at least $50, and had those losses eat up 30% of your net worth. Because nothing says “we’re in this together” like a math test before your participation trophy. 🎯🧮
On Thursday, October 9, China announced new rules requiring licenses to export products containing rare earth minerals. These materials are essential for making smartphones, electric vehicle batteries, and military equipment. 🌍⚙️
CoinShares’ report, delivered with the gravitas of a Victorian sermon, reveals that Bitcoin, Ethereum, and XRP attracted net inflows of $2.67 billion, $338 million, and $61.6 million respectively. This brought total year-to-date inflows to a princely sum of $48.7 billion. BTC alone siphoned $30.2 billion, ETH $13.9 billion, and XRP a modest $1.8 billion-enough to buy a small island, if one had the inclination.
Deep liquidity bids cluster around $105,000-$100,000, whispering of a melancholic stabilization. 📈
What to know, dear reader:
According to a tiny whisper in the noisy universe-ZeroHedge-the game had turned into a global contest of who could build the biggest, loudest, most energy-hungry robots, all while printing money faster than a gremlin on a sugar high. Gold, silver, and Bitcoin were the only safe havens from the chaos-kind of like treasure chests buried under mountains of financial fluff. And Musk, with his signature smirk, chimed in, pointing out that while governments could print fakesy fiat currency till the cows come home, no one can fake *energy*. No sir! That’s the real deal. If energy was a monster, Bitcoin’s proof of work was the tiny hero fighting it with tiny pickaxes. 🛠️⚡
The Stablecoin Stability Assessments (SSAs), launched on Base (Ethereum’s layer-2), promise to expand to other blockchains-provided the market demands it, or perhaps just because someone forgot to say “no.” As if on-chain ratings weren’t enough, they’ve added DataLink, Chainlink’s “institutional-grade” service, to rate stablecoins from 1 (very strong) to 5 (weak). A scale so profound, one might mistake it for a Russian nesting doll of despair.
