Crypto news

On August 31, a notably optimistic crypto analyst named KrissPax took to social media with a chart that looked suspiciously like stock market spaghetti. He predicts Dogecoin might climb to the mystical 2.618 Fibonacci level – a fancy way of saying “roughly in the neighborhood of $1.82” – propelled by historical patterns and perhaps a dash of numerical magic. That’s an eye-watering 800% gain from its current modest stake of around $0.218. Truly, a miraculous ascent worthy of a fairy tale – or at least a very expensive meme.

He went on, all grim and professorial, about how if people suddenly realize their stablecoins aren’t as stable as a toddler on a sugar rush, we’ll have mass panic, bank runs, and probably a government bailout. Because nothing says “confidence” like taxpayers picking up the tab for crypto’s latest party trick. 🤡

The Ripple (XRP) token plummeted to $2.7345, its lowest point since July 11 and a whopping 25% below its highest peak this year. Its market cap? Down to $164 billion from a year-to-date high of $201 billion. Oof, that’s a punch to the gut. 💥

Meanwhile, the ever-optimistic Crypto Candy has emphasized the lower-timeframe setup, forecasting a 20% to 30% upside if the asset can muster the courage to clear key barriers near $25.29 and $27.91. Both analysts, like wise soothsayers, see the current consolidation as a mere prelude to a grander movement, aligning with the broader market’s bullish sentiment. After all, why settle for a waltz when a tango looms on the horizon?

Optimism itself, which sounds like it should be shouting from rooftops, is instead pacing nervously between $0.67 and $0.78, as if uncertain whether it really wants to leave its comfort zone or not. Investors? Oh, they’re twiddling their thumbs, hoping the cosmic market gods will send a clearer memo before they do something reckless.

On a day like any other, Chainlink proclaimed that Solv Protocol had, through diligent endeavor, embraced its proof of reserves like a knight seeking his armor, thus bringing forth a SolvBTC-BTC Secure Exchange Rate feed into the labyrinthine network of Ethereum.

According to the diligent scribes at Btcparser.com, roughly $981.76 million in bitcoin (BTC) has emerged from 157 P2PKH (Pay-to-Public-Key-Hash) addresses, established between 2011 and 2017. Not a single wallet from the halcyon days of 2009 or 2010 deigned to stir-perhaps they are still dreaming of simpler times. 🛌💭

WLFI, my dear reader, is the native token of World Liberty Financial, a decentralized finance (DeFi) platform born in the annus mirabilis of 2024. Its utility? As vague as a Russian winter’s promise. Yet, it boldly claims to bridge traditional finance and DeFi-a bridge, one suspects, built on hopes and memes. 🌉💭

Bitcoin (BTC), all puffed up with importance, lounges at $109,455, having grown by 0.99%-a small victory worthy of a bored toast. Daily turnover skips to $59.2 billion, though how many slippers were thrown in the process, only heaven knows. Ethereum (ETH), meanwhile, slipped on a banana peel and tumbled 1.35% to $4,421.53, letting go of $31.2 billion in trades and its dignity.

Here’s the breakdown of his wild predictions: