Crypto news

In this stage of high farce, our benevolent overseer, the crypto analytics oracle known as CoinGecko, has taken note of this remarkable ascension, reporting that the NFT market bite into reality again like a starving wolf upon a defrosted morsel. A staggering surge of over 20% in just the span of 24 hours, elevating the total cap to a dizzying $6.3 billion, all while the trading volume danced up by a ludicrous 287% to $37.4 million. Who knew digital collectibles could evoke such fervor? 🎉

In a recent interview on CNBC Television, the ever-so-charming JPMorgan Asset Management global market strategist, Jordan Jackson, assured us that the United States will not succumb to the dreaded recession in the next 12 months. How delightful! 🎉

With trembling fingers, he pointed at charts bearing obscure names like “Ichimoku Cloud” and “kumo twist”—phrases that sound suspiciously like bad sushi orders. 📉 His evidence? Cryptic observations like “coiling beneath a threshold” (a sensation familiar to overcooked asparagus) and the profoundly scientific “resistance/take-profit zone,” where common sense goes to perish.

Add to this stew a short squeeze so fierce it could rival the Cossacks’ charge, and you have a crypto breakout worthy of Tolstoy’s greatest tragedy. Liquidations swirl like autumn leaves in a storm, and traders clutch their chests in giddy despair. Read on, dear reader, for a price analysis that may yet unravel the threads of fate. 📉✨

But wait! Before you sell your crypto stash to buy canned beans and bunkers, there’s a twist! 😏 Despite his gloom-and-doom forecast, Kiyosaki plans to swoop in like a bargain-hunting vulture if prices do plummet. “Buy low, sell high” seems to be his mantra, though one wonders if he whispers it dramatically into a mirror every morning. 🦅

This riveting affair kicked off on July 17 via Snapshot – because who uses paper anymore? The deployment promises to drape comfy Aave smart contracts in a fresh new brand by the ever-mysterious Ink Foundation. With over 790,000 votes flocking to this proposal like moths to a flame, it’s safe to say the Aave community is buzzing like a caffeinated bee ahead of the July 21 deadline. 🐝🍯

Les investisseurs, tout à leur hâte et à leurs bras musclés, accumulent à tour de bras. Depuis juillet, ils ont retiré plus de 317 000 ETH des échoppes numériques, ce qui équivaut à plus d’un milliard et demi de nos humble dollars. La confiance est si grande qu’on dirait que tout le monde veut faire fortune avant l’arrivée du grand gâteau de la folie bullesque.

Bitcoin’s daily trading volume is now so high, it’s practically a waterfall of cash. And while the average price has dipped slightly to $117,000 (because nothing stays at a peak forever, even if it’s a crypto peak), the market cap? A staggering $1 trillion in realized gains. That’s enough to buy every loaf of bread in the U.S. and still have change for a yacht. Or a ponzi scheme.

While the crypto market does its impression of a caffeinated squirrel, PEPE has the audacity to rise 6% this week. That’s 35% up in a month! Meanwhile, your 401(k) is sobbing into a pillow. 🐍

On the twentieth of July, that most perspicacious of blockchain analytics firms, Lookonchain, reported that two newly created wallets, suspected to belong to those aforementioned whales or institutional investors, had acquired a staggering 58,268 ETH, a sum worth approximately $212 million. The assets, one presumes, were obtained from Galaxy Digital and FalconX, those paragons of financial virtue 📈.