Crypto news

After huddling in the shadows like bashful suitors for days, these cryptocurrencies-Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Dogecoin-have decided to show their faces once more, perhaps in search of applause or simply to amuse themselves. The latest US Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), that venerable oracle of numbers, has unveiled its Consumer Price Index (CPI) for December 2025 (a date no less enchanted), revealing a modest 0.3% rise last month-truly, a titillating bit of news for those who enjoy inflation as much as a cold shower. Additionally, the year-over-year index ascended to a respectable 2.7%, making it quite clear that prices are on the up-and energy, shelter, and food are all playing their parts like dedicated actors on this grand stage. Naturally, this modicum of inflation calms the fears of the Federal Reserve’s aggressive rate hikes, encouraging investors to consider our beloved crypto as a rather strange, yet enticing, alternative to their piggy banks. 🐖💰

This upswing? A 100% weekly recovery, a phoenix rising from the ashes of despair. Since its second leg of recovery began on the 11th, the altcoin doubled in value, from $2 to $4. A tale of two dollars, if you will. 💸

Lo, the survey respondents of the WEF, with faces ashen as the snows of Yalta, have ranked the dread of geoeconomic confrontation and economic warfare above the trifling matters of state conflict, misinformation, and climate. 🌍😱

Monero, the darling of privacy coins and often dubbed “crypto silver,” has been strutting its stuff in a breakout rally. Oh, the drama! Its price has soared by a staggering 55.65% in just seven days. In the last month, it has graciously delivered a 73.09% gain for holders, including our beloved Brandt, who has ‘confessed’ to making a purchase after spotting its bullish glitz. Fancy that! 💰✨

So, Bitcoin hit $96,000 just as Donald Trump was busy sharpening his Twitter claws against Jerome Powell. The cryptocurrency didn’t just climb-it pole-vaulted over the $1.9 trillion market cap mark, dragging the entire crypto economy to $3.33 trillion. Because, you know, why not?

Key takeaways (or as we like to call ’em, the nuggets of wisdom in this financial haystack):

Spot trading, the honest laborer of the crypto world, managed to eke out a modest $18.6 trillion, a 9% increase from the previous year. But who’s counting? Certainly not the futures and perpetuals, which exploded to nearly $62 trillion, claiming a whopping 77% of the market’s activity. It’s like watching a tortoise try to keep up with a cheetah-pathetic, yet somehow endearing. 🐢🚀

Oh, the plot thickens! The price of XRP took a sharp detour this week, with long-term holders snapping up 720 million tokens between January 9 and 11, 2026. As if the crypto gods decided to throw a dramatic twist into our already chaotic tale!

Crypto analyst Scient, who clearly has a PhD in “Why Is This Happening?”, noted that SUI’s recent antics are “exactly where it should be.” The market, ever the drama queen, has pushed back above a key support zone, which previously acted as a “pivot area” (read: a place where the price nearly collapsed but decided to stay). This suggests the selloff was a “brief deviation” rather than a “structural breakdown,” which is just fancy jargon for “we’re still here, but don’t get too comfortable.”

Short-term holders (STHs) are now selling like they’re at a buffet and someone spilled the mashed potatoes. BTC’s below their average cost, so it’s time to panic or, y’know, find a new hobby. 🤢