Crypto news

Key takeaways (because the robots need bullet points):

Meanwhile, our good friends in the altcoin neighborhood have been doing a bit of a soft shoe shuffle, with ETH reclaiming its fancy $3,100 dance step and BNB giving a respectable nod at $910. But hold your horses-Monero (XMR) has taken center stage, stealing the spotlight with a new personal best that could put even the most seasoned showman to shame!

Former New York City Mayor Eric Adams, ever the visionary, birthed the NYC Token to combat antisemitism and anti-Americanism. A noble cause, one might think, were it not for the stench of desperation clinging to the project like a bad suit at a black-tie event.

According to the soothsayers at CryptoQuant (who gaze into glowing screens as if they were ancient flames), the mighty wallets-once swollen with promises of immutable wealth-have begun to deflate. These are no mere peasants moving pennies; these are the aristocrats of crypto, whose very breath can stir the markets. And now, they exhale… and the price shudders. As the sage CryptoBusy proclaimed from the digital mountain:

Citigroup, JPMorgan, Wells Fargo-names that usually inspire awe or nausea, depending on your tax bracket-tumbled like drunks after last call. Down they went, 1%, 2%, even 3%, as if the very earth beneath Wall Street had turned to quicksand. And Capital One? Poor Capital One. Down 7%, looking as sprightly as a deflated balloon at a birthday party. 🎈

Mr. Thomas Lee, the esteemed CEO of Ethereum DAT Bitmine (BMNR), has declared, with all the solemnity such matters require, that the company’s holdings now surpass $14 billion. This prodigious sum, comprising both cryptocurrency and liquid assets, has rendered the financial world agog with astonishment. 💰

United Kingdom (U.K.) Prime Minister Keir Starmer now finds himself in the crosshairs of his own party’s more zealous members, who demand a full ban on cryptocurrency donations to political parties. This, they claim, is to thwart the nefarious schemes of foreign powers, who, it seems, are now using crypto and AI to play a game of political hide-and-seek with our electoral system. 🤖💸

The paper coyly points out that our ever-so-helpful government agencies are the primary maestros of this clandestine symphony of U.S. debanking. The charming unsung victims, of course, are the crypto companies, who endure such coercion with the grace of actors on a poorly rehearsed stage.

They’re lookin’ to scrape together around two hundred million, sellin’ off eleven million shares. Fifteen to seventeen bucks a pop. Seems like a fair price if you believe in magic beans… or, you know, digital coins. 🤷

The U.S. Senate has done what it does best: postponed a meaningful decision. This time, it’s the Digital Asset Market Structure CLARITY Act – a mouthful so long it probably needs its own comma – getting kicked into the icy winds of late January.