Crypto news

Our desperate petitioners in the land of crypto are once again bullish, clutching their hope like a drugged-out hippie clutches their kale. Volume has doubled-proof that sentiment is not feeling, but manifesting. Net ETF inflows have plunged over $300 million (mainly because Santa’s wallet was stuffed with Bitcoin and Ethereum, leaving a nice $184m and $127m for Uncle Sam respectively). But what really changed overnight? Well, madam and sir, let’s waltz through the reasons, shall we?

It seems the latest whispers of wealthy individuals secretly amassing fortunes in Bitcoin were simply a little too… enthusiastic. According to the thoroughly sensible chaps at CryptoQuant, the onchain data tells a rather different story. The market, despite all the viral hype, hasn’t actually changed much, has it? A regrettable tendency for people to misinterpret things, don’t you agree? 🙄 Public whale charts, it transpires, are often rather muddled by the sheer operational chaos of exchanges.

Meanwhile, Anthony Scaramucci, the finance wizard from Skybridge Capital, strutted onto the scene, touting Toncoin as one of his top three picks for 2026. Yes, you read that right-this guy is betting on a coin that was once at $7.50 and is now dangling around $1.72. Talk about a long-term vision with a dash of optimism and a sprinkle of gambling! 🎲

So, Ali Musk-ape, er, Martinez, went all “Barbie of technical analysis” and pointed out that Dogecoin is currently stuck in an “Ascending Channel.” For those of us who don’t speak Fibonacci, that’s just a fancy way of saying the price is bouncing like a glitter ball between two lines. One goes up. One goes up too. What a tragic love triangle!

Look, long-term holders spend, like, 221 BTC every day on average – that’s basically pocket change for them in recent months. And get this, their SOPR is 1.13. Yes, I know, that means they are still making money. Whoop-de-doo. But seriously, they just aren’t offloading their treasure trove aggressively. And here, we have Bitcoin at a whopping $89k – not that it means anything. If they just hold, what are we going to drink beer with?

In their December lecture, a veritable symposium of cryptic wisdom, Pantera published its Blockchain Letter, declaring that 2025 was the year when the industry, like a fine wine, matured in the shadows of muted prices. Regulatory clarity, the inviting arms of institutions, and infrastructure’s gentle rehearsal-these, dear reader, were the true patrons of progress, far more illustrious than the fleeting chorus of market prices.

As 2026 looms, the mood remains grim. Analysts, ever the harbingers of doom, whisper of darker days ahead. “Structural weakness,” they murmur, “declining liquidity,” they caution. Retail investors, once the lifeblood of the market, have vanished, leaving behind an eerie silence.

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Cook’s not alone in this parched field. Paul Tudor Jones, that hedge-fund cowboy, has saddled up with call options covering over a million NKE shares, hedging with puts like a farmer dousing his barn while the hay’s on fire. Tudor’s 13F filing reads like a rodeo ticket: $71.63 million in calls, $9.811 million in puts, and 26,447 shares stashed like a secret stash of whiskey. “Bullish,” they call it. We call it playing poker with a deck missing half the cards. 🃏

Cue the fanfare 🎺-the network’s 2025 “achievements” (read: incremental code updates) have been celebrated with the enthusiasm of a toddler receiving a participation trophy. But lo! The hero returns to remind us that Ethereum’s true quest is not for glory, but for… checks notes… decentralization? Or was it world domination? Unclear. 🌍