Dogecoin [DOGE] is about to have a Wall Street moment so absurd it’ll make a banana stand owner weep. With the first DOGE ETF looking set to launch and approval odds soaring like a rocket fueled by memes, traders may face volatility so wild it’ll make a rollercoaster blush.
The Ethereum
ETH
$4 287
24h volatility:
0.4%
Market cap:
$517.33 B
Vol. 24h:
$27.85 B
treasury company, which holds $3.6 billion in ETH with zero debt (because why pay interest when you can just sit on crypto and hope?), claims its stock is undervalued. Co-CEO Joseph Chalom, whose name now rhymes with “Chalo-mania,” insisted that buying back shares is “immediately accretive” to shareholders. Translation: We’re throwing money at this problem until it dies. 💸
As Paxos, Frax, Agora, and even the very architects of Hyperliquid themselves converge, the community is left to ponder the ultimate enigma: who shall steer the course of this stablecoin’s destiny? 🧠
After a brief recovery from the $110,100 abyss-where it presumably met the ghosts of failed altcoins-Bitcoin clawed its way past $110,800 and $111,500. But just as it reached $113,200, the bears showed up like uninvited in-laws, crushing dreams faster than a Twitter hack.
Ah, CoinShares – one of Europe’s noble cryptic custodians of digital fortune – now sets its gaze upon the vast wilderness of the American market, ready to make its debut on the Nasdaq. Imagine Sweden’s icy fjords meeting Wall Street’s fervent pulse; this merger promises to be a curiosity for the ages.
Not just one or two, but dozens of ace JavaScript packages-those innocent utilities you rely on every day-got a Satan makeover. These packages combine for a casual 1 billion weekly downloads. So, yeah, this hack was basically the software equivalent of a global sneeze. Gesundheit!
Behold the announcement on X (formerly Twitter), where we learn that Murat Firat shall don the noble mantle of Head of Product. A former CTO at BiLira and TRYB, he now leads their product scope with all the gravitas of a man who knows his way around Turkish lira stablecoins. Joining him is Adam Jacobs, erstwhile global head of payments at FTX, who brings his expertise from Nuvei to steer the ship of global payments. And lo, Usmann Khan, a veritable titan of security research on ImmuneFi, takes up arms against vulnerabilities as Head of Protocol Security.
The brains behind USDe and USDtb have concocted a version of USDH backed entirely by USDtb-a stablecoin cozying up to BlackRock’s BUIDL fund and soon to be birthed through Anchorage Digital Bank. If chosen, Ethena has vowed-on its honor as a blockchain entity-to return 95% of reserve revenue to the Hyperliquid community. And because no DeFi story is complete without a touch of governance theater, they’ve proposed a “guardian network” of elected validators to keep everyone honest. Or at least pretending to be. 🦹♂️
Lo and behold! An analysis by the sage known as CrypFlow reveals a thunderous truth: the total market capitalization of altcoins, that elusive creature which spurns Bitcoin, has just achieved a zenith-its highest monthly close in the annals of history! Could this herald the long-anticipated arrival of an alt season, or merely an illusion, a mirage shimmering on the horizon?
The RSI is at 64.45, which means HBAR isn’t yet overbought. Good news! That means there’s still time to panic-buy before the inevitable crash. The resistance level at $0.25? Just a speed bump for the brave-or the foolish. 🚧
