Crypto news

“In the distant February of 2017,” Kevin declaims with great conviction, “our dear Dogecoin enjoyed a V-shaped stock RSI cross above the 20 mark and then, like a gentleman suddenly possessed by an unseasonable enthusiasm, embarked on a rally of no less than 1,852%.” He further confides that a subsequent monthly cross was not content with mere civility, but produced a “very nice 1,751% gain” – before, alas, the inevitable market ceiling was reached. And now, he professes, the stage is once again set for Q4, where such spirited exploits might be renewed.

Behold, the token hath danced a familiar waltz: a step forward, a step back, a step forward once more. Lo, it tradeth at $0.038, having ascended 28% in the span of seven days and 12% in the fleeting hours of yesternight. Trading volumes, too, have swelled to a staggering $527.7 million, a testament to the fervor of its adherents. 📈✨

Enter Dennis Potter, Bitcoin’s cheerleader and self-proclaimed philosopher. He’s here to assure us that low fees aren’t the Achilles’ heel everyone fears them to be. On the contrary, he believes they’re the gateway to Bitcoin’s future.

“Our dear Bitcoin is currently in a state of consolidation,” announced Mike Novogratz, the esteemed CEO of Galaxy Digital, during a spirited episode of CNBC’s Squawk Box (which sounds far more exciting than it actually is). “This is partly because we’re witnessing a number of these treasury companies trying their luck with other coins.” Ah, the fickle nature of wealth management! 😄

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What, you ask, are the harbingers of this altcoin apocalypse? Fear not, for I shall elucidate with the wit of a dandy and the precision of a Swiss timepiece. Below, the signs that even the most jaded investor might find irresistible. 🕵️♂️💎

Calacanis, a man who once compared Bitcoin to a “digital gold,” now insists investors simply “get exposure to Bitcoin instead.” As if Bitcoin were a self-serve buffet and Strategy was just the waitstaff tripping over the soup tureens. 🍲

“The days of easy money and guaranteed mNAV [multiple of Net Asset Value] premiums are over,” declare the high priests of Coinbase research, David Duong and Colin Basco. Over! As if anyone with a functioning brain cell believed in ‘guaranteed’ anything in this realm. Still, it’s nice to have it confirmed by someone official. 🙄

According to a CryptoQuant Quicktake post by the ever-so-insightful PelinayPA, Ethereum’s CME futures OI is on a steady climb towards new highs. It’s like watching a snail race, but hey, progress is progress! 🐌

Ramos, with the precision of a man who has stared into the abyss of crypto charts, noted that XRP had danced at $2.73 before pirouetting toward $2.90. “Anything under $3,” he declared, “is not merely a price-it is destiny knocking.” Or perhaps, one might add, a gambler’s last hurrah. 🎲