Crypto news

To “fire” a Fed Governor is but a trifle to our illustrious leader, yet this particular dismissal-Lisa Cook, a name now etched in the annals of bewilderment-has sent shockwaves through the investor community as if they’d discovered their coffee was decaf. And lo! The friction with Fed Chair Jerome Powell, that stoic sentinel of monetary policy, has turned the markets into a circus of panic, where Bitcoin and Ethereum juggle their worth like clowns with a slight case of vertigo. 🎪

Arthur Hayes, the co-founder of BitMEX and self-proclaimed crypto clairvoyant, made a bold proclamation during his keynote at the WebX 2025 conference in Tokyo. You know, no big deal-just a tiny little forecast that decentralized exchanges (DEXs) might someday rake in $258 billion in annual fees, up from today’s humble $1.2 billion. A mere 21,400% growth. Piece of cake, right?

Tokenized stocks let you trade 24/7, because apparently, the concept of “sleep” is overrated. Proponents claim it’s globalization, critics say it’s a “wild west” with better emojis. Spoiler: The SEC is side-eyeing this harder than my aunt at a crypto meetup. 👀

This amorous financial arrangement arrives just as Gemini, having reportedly misplaced a merely inconvenient $282.5 million in a single half-year, has decided the best remedy is to declare its romantic intentions to the entire stock market. It is a move of magnificent audacity, designed to seduce the ever-fervent XRP Army. One can only admire the sheer theatrical flair of it all.

Per Axios, this cash injection follows Polymarket’s billion-dollar valuation and its U.S. market debut-courtesy of a $112 million acquisition of QCEX, complete with a shiny CFTC license. Let’s just pretend the FBI raid on CEO Shayne Coplan’s apartment last year was *totally* unrelated. 🕵️♂️💣

This latest acquisition, made in the balmy days of August 2025, marks the third time in just over a year that Kong has chosen to bolster his holdings. Previous forays into the market occurred in May and September 2024, each time leaving the financial world to ponder the depths of his conviction. 🕵️‍♂️

Arkham Intelligence, that nosy fellow with spectacles always perched on the edge of chaos, reported a spectacle worthy of a Bulgakovian novel: a whale-yes, a literal digital leviathan-swallowed $2.5 billion worth of ETH in mere hours and staked it all through a single contract, as if whispering, “Try to catch me, mortals!” The timing was impeccable, like a master conductor orchestrating Ethereum’s symphony of DeFi grandeur and institutional drama. While retail traders scatter in panic at volatility, these behemoths waltz calmly after market reversals, nodding to the cosmos in smug validation. 🐳🎶

Data from the ever-so-reliable Santiment indicates that the 50-day average of Dogecoin transfers worth $100,000 or more has hit a five-month high in August. This is either a sign of great faith in the future of the world’s favorite meme coin, or a massive inside joke that only the whales understand. 🌊

Everyone sold. Everyone bought. Everyone’s mother got involved. The tally? 1.8 trillion tokens shot out the door. That’s “trillion” with a T. BONK got dumped harder than a badly timed WhatsApp message, but somehow, technical support rose around $0.0000197, drawing the price back into a very uninspired band between $0.0000203 and $0.0000205. 🎢

According to their X post (because apparently press releases are so 2010), Creator Coins are powered by Raydium Launchlab, meaning liquidity and tradability are baked in from day one. And thanks to their Proof of Audience magic trick, only creators with actual fans-yes, real humans, not bots-can launch coins and set goals like minimum supporters and staking hoops to jump through.