The United States, that grand theater of democracy, remains in a state of suspended animation, its fiscal heartbeat monitored by a continuing resolution-a mere Band-Aid on the gaping wound of legislative discord. The Senate, with a flourish of bureaucratic pomp, has passed the baton to the House, where it lingers, a hot potato in the hands of the indecisive.
Behold the chaos: 14,447 BTC added in October, a “paltry offering” to the crypto gods compared to 2025’s grander feasts. Metaplanet, that audacious upstart, snatched 5,268 BTC and crowed its 30,823 stash from the fourth podium. Coinbase, ever the drama queen, declared, “We keep buying more!” as if confessing a guilty pleasure. 🧨
In its latest report, 10x Research laments Bitcoin’s stagnation, a phase as exciting as a Waugh dinner party. The U.S. government’s reopening? A mere blip, a fleeting risk-on sentiment boost. “No lasting impact,” they sigh. The real tragedy? No new marginal buyer-a financial wallflower at the crypto ball. 💃
LuBian, that poor soul of a mining pool, rose in 2020 like a phoenix only to be scorched by thieves in December. Its Bitcoin, 90% of its lifeblood, vanished overnight. The numbers? A cruel mirror to the 127,271 BTC the US DOJ later claimed. Coincidence? Or a script written in invisible ink? Chen Zhi, Cambodia’s crypto prince, tried to bargain with blockchain love letters, but the hackers-cold as a winter server-never replied. Four years they slept, those coins, like a dragon in hibernation. A dragon, mind you, that blockchain sages say only a government could tame. 🐉
Behold, the cryptocurrency realm may enter a new chapter of capital formation, as declared by Matt Hougan, Bitwise’s CIO, in a note so dramatic it could star in a Parisian farce. He claims compliant ICOs will fuel the next bull market-monstrous claims, worthy of a Molière villain!
Bessent, that silver-tongued savior of spreadsheets, told the press working folks might see “very good” refunds or fatter paychecks when the new tax rules drop next year. Translation: “Here’s your free money, dear Uncle Sam.”
But fear not! The folks behind this furry financial experiment-they’re still busy. Recently, they announced a partnership with Unity Nodes, which sounds more like a fancy gym class than a blockchain project. The goal? To turn SHIB into a utility, not just a joke on the internet. This means you’ll now be able to buy Nodes with SHIB, snag NFT licenses with adorable dog themes, and earn rewards like a pig at a trough. All in all, quite the “game-changing” move, if by “game-changing” you mean “more ways for us to make this thing seem important.”
Yes, you heard it right. A crack team of digital detectives at Lazarus Security Lab-who probably spend more time in front of screens than a squirrel in a nut factory-produced a report that examines these networks like a inquisitive cat eyeing a particularly tempting mouse. Out of 166 networks, they managed to find the ones that could pull the plug on your crypto stash-should they be in the mood, or perhaps feeling a tad shady. 😏
Visa Inc. has begun testing a new method for businesses to pay creators and gig workers using stablecoins, digital dollars backed by the U.S. currency. Oh, great. Now even the banks are trying to keep up with the times. What’s next? A 50% discount on existential dread?
