Crypto news

My dear sirs and madams, gather ’round as we contemplate the grand spectacle at 2:00 p.m. ET today-an event most anticipated, where the FOMC is expected to graciously reduce interest rates by a trifling 25 basis points, with a probability of 90% that this wish will be granted. The illustrious Fed Chair Jerome Powell shall then give his discourse at 2:30 p.m., where any mention of QE or liquidity support could persuade the markets to dance with joy-or despair. Should he hint at further cuts, risk assets might join in a merry rally; a neutral tone, however, could cause a brief symphony of volatility. Heaven forefend, if inflationary fears take hold, beware the market’s melancholy descent-oh, the drama! 🎭

Apparently, the folks at Strive aren’t just content with playing the crypto game-they want to be the Bitcoin kings of the corporate world. Co-founded by Vivek Ramaswamy (who, rumor has it, is also a part-time magician), Strive has been riding the crypto rollercoaster, after pivoting its strategy this year via some fancy-finance magic called a reverse merger. Now, they hold enough BTC to make some folks jealous, ranking as the 14th largest corporate holder. That’s a lot of digital dough, enough to make you want to wear sunglasses indoors. 😎

The surge triggered a ballet of liquidations, as traders, like hapless dancers, were caught off-balance by Bitcoin’s abrupt pirouette. While sentiment swelled, XRP’s struggle to keep pace with the sector’s fervor was a tale as old as time-perhaps even older than the Kremlin’s secrets. 🕺💸

It seems the chaps at Tempo have noticed that reliable payment infrastructure is all the rage. And so, with a flurry of optimistic pronouncements, they’ve integrated Chainlink to “optimize” stablecoin settlement. Optimise! As if settlement were a particularly messy game of croquet that simply required a bit of tidying. The result, we are assured, is a boost to Tempo’s plan to provide efficient global payments. One can only hope it doesn’t involve too much paperwork. 🧐 It all signifies deeper collaboration between the financial bigwigs and the blockchain enthusiasts, a truly dazzling spectacle.

Trading at a modest $0.14, our canine-inspired token has embraced a life of consolidation, its volatility as restrained as a Victorian maiden’s laughter. Yet, beneath this veneer of calm, on-chain engagement burgeons like a scandal in a drawing room. New use cases sprout like wildflowers in spring-paying taxes in Argentina, booking flights with Alternative Airlines-and traders, those eternal romantics, await the breakout with bated breath. The long-term trajectory? A subject of renewed parlor gossip, my dear. 🧐

According to the latest Interpretive Letter 1188 (how thrillingly bureaucratic!), banks may now play middleman in cryptocurrency trades, provided they do so with all the flair of a debutante at her first ball-brief, graceful, and entirely without scandal. 💃

In an event so high-profile it might have its own red carpet, Stable introduced a blockchain network designed specifically for stablecoin transactions. And not just any stablecoin-USDT is the chosen one, acting as the native gas token. Forget Ethereum, this is where the “stable” coins are going to party now. 🎉

On Tuesday, Nicholas Wealth, LLC, in partnership with Tidal Investments LLC, filed two bitcoin-linked ETFs with the SEC – a pair of products that combine quant-heavy engineering with the unmistakable energy of “crypto meets late-night television.” One fund plays bitcoin’s after-hours tendencies like a nocturnal DJ set, while the other is designed to dampen the blow when bitcoin’s volatility decides to reenact a roller coaster. 🎢

In their original thread (posted on Dec. 8, because why not stir the pot before the holidays? 🎄), Arkham claimed to have “deanonymized” Zcash, with a thumbnail screaming “Zcash deanonymization” in letters so big you’d think they’d discovered the Holy Grail. 🏆 The crypto world, being the drama-loving bunch it is, ate it up faster than a goblin with a gold coin. Media outlets and journalists (including the ever-reliable Colin Wu) amplified the message, because who doesn’t love a good scandal? 📰

And who could blame it? With the market grim and the sentiment just as dark, investors-especially those glorious, profit-hungry whales-are fleeing faster than rats off a sinking ship. 🐋💸