Crypto news

Perpetual futures are like a never-ending party where you can bet on the price of Bitcoin or Ethereum without worrying about the clock ticking. 🕒🔥

So, the African Continental Free Trade Area (AfCFTA) and IOTA are like, “Let’s fix trade with stablecoins.” Because nothing says innovation like replacing paper with pixels. 🖨️➡️🖥️

In a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap, Colin dropped an X post (formerly known as Twitter, because why not add more confusion?) declaring the death cross just hit Bitcoin’s lower megaphone boundary. 🗣️✨ Apparently, this is a bullish setup, because in crypto, bad news is just good news in disguise. 🤡 Colin’s like, “This is probably the bottom, guys!” while the rest of us are like, “Or is it just the beginning of a very long nap? 😴”

Here’s a hot take with some harsh truth in it: The crypto space isn’t going to grow and thrive if every time someone posts something new and interesting, the first response is just an avalanche of toxicity, negativity, cynicism, and the usual “I told you so” crowd.

And right bang in the middle of this farce, our favorite digital ghost, Bitcoin, sits magnificent at $94,000, as if to say, “Is that all you got, Washington? Try harder, cortege of clowns.” 🎭

And if Bitcoin truly were a safe-haven asset akin to gold-nay, its cybernetic twin-one would expect them to waltz in harmony through the stormy nights of market turmoil. But alas! Since the fateful October 10 massacre-when the markets convulsed and over $19 billion in leveraged dreams went up in digital smoke-this sacred bond has shattered like a poorly coded smart contract.

“Behold the eternal cycle!” he cackled, waving a chart of Bitcoin’s mood swings like a mad conductor. 🎼📉 “Up they go, down they plunge, and lo! The sheeple panic-sell! How delightfully predictable!” He dismissed fiat as the currency of “a bankrupt circus run by clowns in pinstripes” 🤡🎪, adding that fleeing to dollars is like trading your soul for a used car. 🚗💨

Enter Bitguru, a fellow who posts more prophecies on X (formerly known as Twitter, that cesspool of wisdom and nonsense) than a carnival psychic with a Wi-Fi connection. He claims the Dogecoin price is dangling by a thread at $0.166-yes, that’s six cents short of real money. This magical digit, he says, is now the battleground where bulls charge like Don Quixote and bears yawn like they’ve seen it all (which, let’s face it, they have).

See, the crypto crowd loves tossing around the word trustless like it’s confetti at a blockchain parade. But Szabo’s here to remind us: even if you don’t need a central bank to babysit the ledger, you still need to trust developers not to accidentally code in a “steal your coins” clause. And network participants? They’re supposed to follow rules, not throw a consensus party and invite chaos as the guest of honor.

The cryptocurrency ASTER slinked into a ditch and traded at $1.26, surviving a 10% rally that would make a jalopy weep. Technical analysts cried “structural integrity!” as if a price chart is a house made of lard and wishful thinking. Token unlocks, delayed like a toddler’s bedtime after Halloween candy-saved the day. 🦇