Crypto news

“For those with a penchant for chaos and a heart full of hope, a modest 1-4% in digital assets may yet prove a worthy endeavor,” mused Chris Hyzy, a man whose words are as enigmatic as a Tolstoyan epilogue. 🎭

The announcement arrives like a funeral dirge, as Bitcoin’s price plummets from its October glory. The company, ever the optimist, slashes its 2025 targets, a silent admission of the market’s cruel whims. Ah, the hubris of man! To think one could tame the beast of volatility! 😂

In a recent whisper shared on the social platform X (formerly Twitter, darling), Mr. Arthur Hayes-co-founder and CIO of BitMEX-dragged the lovely Tether into the spotlight, implying that a sizable chunk of USDT’s reserves is casually lounging in Bitcoin’s dance hall, vulnerable to its wild mood swings. Naturally, this has some folks clutching their pearls and clutching their wallets tighter. 💼

On Tuesday, December 2, Lucy took to Twitter (or X, or whatever it’s called now) with a dramatic cry for help that would make Bridget Jones proud. 🗣️ “I wish for a crypto miracle and for all these bastards to be caught,” she tweeted, clearly at her wit’s end. “All these psychopaths with their twisted minds harming innocent people… sigh. @kucoincom @fbi @RCMP @INTERPOL_HQ When will cybercrime be taken seriously? I bet they got better tools and way to investigate…” 😤🔍

Announced with all the fanfare of a royal wedding, the CME CF Cryptocurrency Benchmarks now track a gaggle of digital glitterati: Bitcoin (BTC), Ether (ETH), Solana (SOL), and XRP (XRP). Because apparently, even crypto needs a chaperone. 😉

K9 Finance, ever the diligent steward, has returned the unclaimed ETH to its rightful owners, closing the curtain on the bounty farce. Even the Shiba Inu team, those noble hounds, reclaimed their 20 ETH. 🐕💼 But the drama! The Shibarium Network, that official herald of the blockchain, has unveiled the latest twist in this saga of greed and blunder.

The masterminds of this operation were each handed over 21 years in prison, while their underlings got sentences ranging from 8 to 17 years. Oh, and they all have to pay back the full amount laundered. Good luck with that! 🤑 Also, their planes and luxury cars? Now property of the federal government. 🚗✈️

On the glorious day of December 2nd, they announced a new trick: send XRP or other cryptocurrencies, and poof! Nigerian naira (NGN) appears in a local bank account faster than you can say “abracadabra”! 🎩✨ Verified RedotPay customers will be grinning like Cheshire cats, receiving funds in minutes. Minutes, my dear readers, not days! No more waiting for the snail mail of international transfers! 🐌

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But here’s the kicker: they’re doing this during a market pullback, not at the peak of a euphoric rally. 🌧️ It’s like showing up to a party just as the music stops and the lights come on. 🎶👉🛑 Still, BofA seems to think crypto is more than just a one-hit wonder. 🎤