Crypto news

Ethereum (ETH) has surged over 19% in the past week, leaving a trail of liquidated short positions worth $200 million. In the last 24 hours, ETH gained 7.5%, briefly flirting with $4,300 before settling near $4,250. Meanwhile, Bitcoin, the old guard of crypto, limps along with a modest 3% weekly increase. Ethereum’s dominance grows, pushing the total crypto market cap closer to $4 trillion. On-chain analyst Tracer boldly proclaimed on X that Ethereum is “about to break 4-year resistance,” adding, “$12,000 is not just a dream anymore.” Oh, how dreams can inflate like balloons at a child’s birthday party! 🎈

In his latest escapade, Saylor posted an AI-generated image casting himself as none other than Indiana Jones, standing triumphantly in what appears to be a South American temple. The caption? “I went looking for gold… and found something better.” Oh, the drama! The suspense! One almost expects a whip-crack sound effect to accompany the post. Clearly, Mr. Saylor believes Bitcoin is not just a store of value but a treasure worthy of cinematic legend.

The financial behemoth forecasts that the S&P 500, Wall Street’s beloved benchmark, will yield a “high single-digit return over the next 12 months,” driven by three key factors. Spoiler alert: none of them involve a crystal ball! 🔮

Meanwhile, the grand company itself lounges on over $8.5 billion in cash, like a wealthy recluse with no urgent need for Bitcoin anymore-since May, the crypto candy shop has shut its doors. It’s basically the biblical story of the prodigal investor, except instead of pigs, they’re sitting on cash, and the pigsty is Wall Street.

Twelve years ago, just before he retired from the Bitcoin forum for the last time, Finney issued what’s now regarded as the blockchain equivalent of a royal wave. 👋 “Gone but not forgotten,” chirped Pete Rizzo with solemnity befitting a minor royal attending a ribbon-cutting for an experimental library. One suspects the crypto crowd toasted this event with chamomile tea and speculative tweets.

Ethereum broke above $4,000 for the first time since December 2024 on Friday, setting the stage for a higher move. It’s like the cryptocurrency version of a Broadway comeback! 💃

In a filing that reads like a bad script from a low-budget thriller, the Connecticut-based Connex Credit Union has announced that 172,000 people are impacted by a massive data breach. Imagine that-172,000 people suddenly realizing their personal data might be floating around the dark web, like a digital buffet for hackers. 🍽️

Once a sprightly creature, XRP had flirted with modest movements earlier in the week, but alas, it now exhibits signs of diminished volatility and a waning demand, raising the specter of a bearish shift that looms like a dark cloud over a sunlit day. 😒

But wait, there’s more! Mr. Spock, in his infinite wisdom, suggests halting the quaint practice of conventional mining, locking away unused tokens like misbehaving children, and introducing a utility-based mining model. 🛠️🔒 Oh, the institutions shall flock like pigeons to a statue, seeking deflationary assets with clear use cases! 🏦🕊️

Now, if you’re into charts and numbers (and who isn’t?), this is what the experts call a golden cross. Sounds fancy, doesn’t it? It’s like the chart version of a light bulb going off, signaling that the market is probably ready to head “north.” Not like, “north” north, but you know-up. Into the sky. 🚀