Wall Street’s Turbulent Tango: Tech, Tariffs, and Bitcoin’s Boogie

Bitcoin, that digital dragon, decided to lift its head from the volcanic lava of volatility and climbed above $116,000, as if to say, “Look, I am alive and kicking, and perhaps a tad delirious.” Elsewhere, oil hovered around $64-probably pondering its own existence-and Treasury yields didn’t move much, because who needs excitement when the tariffs are dancing?

Ethereum ETFs: A Comedy of Errors and Outflows 😂

According to the sage scribes of SoSo Value, the Ethereum ETFs saw a net outflow of $465.06 million on August 4, a sum that would make even the most stoic banker raise an eyebrow. This was their largest outflow since their grand debut last year, a debut that seemed more like a triumphant entrance onto the stage of finance. Yet, just a few days prior, on August 1, these same funds experienced a net outflow of $152.26 million, marking the end of a 20-day streak of inflows, as if the market decided to play a cruel game of hide-and-seek with investors’ hearts.

Hyperliquid’s $319B July Frenzy: DeFi Goes Wild 🐪🔥

According to DefiLlama, Hyperliquid didn’t just set a new monthly record; it practically moonwalked into the history books. This milestone marks a turning point as traders increasingly ditch their centralized crypto exchanges (CEXs) like old socks 👕, opting instead for the freedom of decentralized platforms.

Wilde’s Take on Crypto Regulation: A Comedy of Errors 🤣

The White House, in its latest dramatic production, has laid out a series of recommendations for the regulation of digital assets, a script that calls for the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) to take the helm in overseeing spot markets for “non-security” digital assets. A move, one might say, as bold as it is necessary.

Indian Government’s Epic 44K Email Assault on Crypto Mysterious Creatures 🚀💸

For those who fancy themselves as the Robin Hoods of blockchain, the Ministry barks loudly from the rooftops that they’ve already scooped up ₹705 crore in VDA taxes for FY23 and FY24, while covertly sneaking an additional ₹630 crore during raids-like crypto pirates on a fiscal treasure hunt. Cryptos, NFTs, and the like are taxed at a princely 30%, a rate that would make even the boldest libertarian twitch-plus a 4% cess and a charming 1% TDS on every teetering trade, because what’s life without a little deductible drama? 🤺

🚨 XRP’s Wild Ride: Will It Hit $7 or Just Confuse Everyone? 🤔

Ah, XRP. The cryptocurrency equivalent of a rollercoaster designed by someone who hates seatbelts. After a sluggish start to the year, it decided July 2025 was the perfect time to remind everyone it exists, surging 70%. This follows a November 2024 breakout that made people briefly consider quitting their jobs to become full-time crypto traders. At press time, XRP was trading at $3, which is impressive until you remember it once cost less than a cup of coffee. Over the past week, though, it dropped just over 4%, proving that even digital coins have mood swings.